intro
i've been making and deleting pages about this for a while. if you see this it means i finally decided to share.
i made this page because being aroaspec is less well known than other identities, and it's hard to figure out something that isn't really there? i guess? and information, experiences, discussions et cetera are quite scattered. i wanted to read more people’s experiences, and i have found that on reddit and old(ish) forums and stuff. i read caesthoffe's experience about being aroallo and it struck a chord within me. like, i am not aroallo, but reading suns experience made me feel like damn. i need to think more about my identity.
so, here it is! experiences and information. as stated in the little warning, there are mentions of sex and libido, but all is for informative purposes.
also this is not organised chronologically (yet). so idk if it all makes sense lol
dictionary
all definitions are of course, up to personal experience and all that. most i got from tumblr, the lgbtqia+ wiki and the mogai wiki. these sections are forever a wip because language and experiences evolve :D
types of attraction
i think it's important to note that all types of attraction are aimed at a specific person. you can be aplatonic but still want friendship (but also, you might not), for example. similar how you can be asexual but still have sex drive.
- platonic attraction
- - a desire to form a friendship with a specific person. this friendship can be close and intense or very casual.
- romantic attraction
- - a desire for a romantic relationship or romantic activities with a specific person. this can be living together, showing affection, valuing the relationship more than your other relationships, etc etc. of course you can have/do these things without it being romantic - intent is an important factor here. its difficult to describe.
- sexual attraction
- - a desire for sexual interaction with a specific person. what counts as sexual interaction depends on the person - can be sex, touching, groping, etc etc. not to be confused with libido, which is sex drive not directed at a particular person.
- alterous attraction
- - a desire for emotional closeness thats non-romantic and not necessarily platonic. for some it falls between romantic and platonic, for others its something completely else. can be with or without other types of attraction.
- sensual attraction
- - a desire to interact with a specific person by (usually) touch in a non-sexual way. what counts as non-sexual depends on the person - can be hugging, kissing, hand holding etc etc, but can also be about someones voice or odor.
sensual drive is sensual desire not directed at a particular person, like with sexual attraction and libido. - aesthetic attraction
- - a desire to observe a specific person because of physical attraction to their appearance.
- vicarious attraction
- - a type of attraction only experienced in one's imagination through the eyes of someone else, often a fictional character or OC.
- mirous attraction
- - a desire/urge to look at and admire someone sexually, visual sexual attraction. sometimes known as the sexual version of aesthetic attraction. one can experience arousal, a libido spike or feel sexually drawn to someone because of the way they look or present themselves, but without any urge to engage in sexual activity with the individual.
- queerplatonic attraction
- - a desire to be in a queerplatonic relationship with someone in particular.
misc terms
- split-attraction model (sam)
- - lgbtqia wiki
- wikipedia - primary and secondary attraction model
- - lgbtqia wiki
this is also applicable to romantic attraction imo, though this is not mentioned on the lgbtqia wiki. - non-sam aromantic or non-sam asexual
- - person who doesn't use the split-attraction model and only identifies with aromantic and no sexual orientation, or only asexual and no romantic orientation.
- sex, romance, touch, friendship ... stances
- - someones feelings towards these types of interaction commonly used stances are: favourable, indifferent, averse (repulsed by the idea of personally interacting), repulsed, ambivalent.
- queerplatonic relationship (qpr)
- - a queerplatonic relationship is a type of relationship that doesn't fit the norm for romantic or platonic relationship. it's any type of relationship that breaks the standards written by amatonormativity. it's like the non-binary for relationships. no one can tell you you're in a qpr, that's something for you and your qpp (queerplatonic partner) to decide.
- amatonormativity
- - the assumption that the traditional western view of romantic relationships (monogamy, marriage, living together, nuclear family ...) is the highest form of satisfaction one can achieve in life
- passionate friendship/affectionate friendship (pf)
- - a nonromantic nonsexual but emotionally and physically intimate relationship between friends. the friendship is, when placed in a hierarchy, the most important relationship in the lives of the people involved.
- - the difference between this and a queerplatonic relationship, is that a qpr can be sexual (but doesn't have to be), and a pf is explictily nonsexual. ultimately its up to the people involved to decide how they describe themselves.
pda: public displays of affection.
-rose: romantic and sexual, eg if someone is both demiromantic and demisexual, they would be demirose.
identities
- aromantic, asexual, aroace, a- prefix
- - a person who experiences little to no romantic and/or sexual attraction. "bold stripe" refers to someone who doesnt experience any romantic and/or sexual attraction at all.
- demiromantic, demisexual, demirose, demi- prefix
- - a person who doesn't experience (...) attraction until theres a close emotional bond present.
- oriented or angled aroace
- - a person who is bold stripe aroace (oriented) or on the aroace-spectrum (angled) and experiences a form of tertiary attraction that they see as important enough to give it a place alongside their aroace identity.
- quoiromantic, quoisexual, quoirose, quoi- prefix
- - a person who isn't sure whether or not they experience romantic/sexual attraction, isn't sure what romantic/sexual attraction is, questions their romantic/sexual identity for so long that the questioning itself becomes an identity, has difficulty distinguishing romantic and sexual attraction from other types of attraction, and/or doenst identify with the concept of romantic or sexual attraction.
- greyromantic, greysexual, greyrose, grey- prefix
- - a person who experiences romantic/sexual attraction infrequently, experiences it very weakly, only experiences it in specific circumstances, feels uncertain about experiencing it, only experiences romantic/sexual attraction ambiguously, feels alienated from romantic/sexual attraction, otherwise relates to aromanticism or asexuality even if it isn't a perfect fit, ... . it can be a specific or an umbrella term for any identity that isn't fully allorose or fully aroace.
- aegoromantic, aegosexual, aegorose, aego- prefix
- - a person who experiences a disconnection between themselves and the subject of fantasies. they may enjoy romantic/sexual content and the concept of a romantic/sexual relationship, but lack enthousiasm for an actual romantic/sexual relationship (indifferent, averse or repulsed). they may fantasize about romance or sex but: the person is like an observer and not involved, it's seen through the perspective of another individual, no individuals one knows in real life are involved and rather celebreties, fictional characters or OCs, or it's idealized and unrealistic - adding realistic elements to the fantasy makes the idea of it less apealing or even repulsive. they can recognise someone as being attractive, but don't see the appeal of doing romantic/sexual things with them in real life.
- - aegoromantics can get "butterflies", even if they don't experience romantic attracction to the individuals in the fantasy or content. they can't imagine themselves in a romantic relationship or doing romantic things, in a marriage, living a whole life with someone in real life.
aegosexuals may enjoy sexual content, masturbating or fantasizing about sex, but are indifferent towards or repulsed by the idea of being in an actual sexual relationship.
aego has to do with fantasy (and/or arousal), and not attraction. oftentimes aegorose people are bold stripe aroace, but not necessarily.
anattractional spectrum
most terms are self-explanatory, but i thought i'd include the most used ones either way.
anattractional thinking etc
i have been thinking more about the broader anatractional spectrum and my identity in it. i mean, beyond romantic and sexual attraction (or lack thereof). on the one hand i don't think these are that important to define for me personally, but on the other hand, it can't hurt, can it?
i'm very sure i experience platonic attraction. i get squishes (platonic crushes) often. i'm pretty sure i also do experience aesthetic attraction? all these types of attraction are so hard to define. i think my aesthetic and platonic attractions go hand in hand. i'm not sure if i experience queerplatonic attraction, because you can't define qpr's and therefore also can't define the attraction. idk, i think if i do have a relationship of some sorts someday, it'll be like. an artistic partnership. gonna be someones work husband /hj. or something. idk. i don't really care, i just want friends who i can hug and maybe cuddle sometimes. so i'm definitely not touch repulsed lol, but i don't like. want to cuddle or hug all of my friends? maybe demisensual, i've only wanted to hug the ones i was really close to.
this was interesting to think about. and outside of aromanticism and asexuality, these identities aren't really talked about? so i thought i'd add them :)
july 22
i'm on the aromantic and asexual spectrum. i've known this for a few years now, though sometimes i suddenly question myself, or convince myself that one day i won't be or feel like this. whenever i'm horny (thank you testosterone) i start questioning, and once i'm not horny i just. don't think about sex? i think it could be something fun, but usually thinking of actually doing it grosses me out. but then again, this has to do with libido and my stance on sex, and not with attraction. same for romance. i'm pretty sure i've never felt the attraction, but romance itself could be fun. and it seems nice! but the reality also sometimes grosses me out. looking back now, i can't believe i've never found the term aegosexuality. i vaguely remember reading it but not paying too much attention to it? idk. i'm just glad i found something that describes me, and that there are others who feel like me, and that it's okay.
im not really out as aroace i think. i told one (maybe two? i dont remember) friend at school. my cousin vaguely knows but also kinda not, and maybe some other friends i dont have all that much contact with. i came out to my parents as bi when i was 14 because i thought thatd be easier to explain. "expect anything". this month (june 2026) my little brother asked me who im into and i was like "haha i dont have time for that!" and then my mom suggested to him that maybe i dont like anyone like that. so maybe shes onto me (or she read my journal again). though to be fair, both my parents realise they don't know all that much about queer identities and have expressed that "maybe your generation doesn't care about labels or dating as much as ours" (roughly paraphrased and translated).
i think id like to let my close family know about this but i want to figure it out more first. get to know myself and accept myself before i tell them.
i've been making lists of things i'd feel comfortable doing with another person, things i want, things i'm not sure about, things that repulse me etc etc. now i've done a bit more research i actually found a document shared on AVEN forum (also linked below: QPR checklist) from a few years back that does this. i guess knowing your boundaries is more important than knowing your labels. doing research for this page has made me realise more and more things about myself and ah it's so nice. i know i'm gonna have days where i question it all again, but for now i like. more or less figured it out. which was not at all what i thought would happen when making this page, i just wanted to share my experience lol. anyways
realising i am aroace
i don't remember how or when i stumbled upon the aroace spectrum, but i identified with it starting from when i was like 14-15 if i remember correctly. i dated an allo person for a few months, insisting i was on "just on the spectrum", not "fully" aroace and still felt romantic attraction for them, but now i'm sure that i didn’t. i think i just felt excitement and platonic attraction. sensual drive was also a factor i think, as this was a bit after the initial covid lockdown and even in my close bubble, we didn't hug as much as we used to. i feel bad, like i used that person to experiment or something, but i genuinely thought i liked them romantically and didn't understand why i felt uncomfortable with their pda.
i don't remember when i stopped using the aroace label either. i think i started calling myself queer or just gay mostly because of dysphoria - if people saw me as a gay boy they maybe wouldn't think twice of my feminine features. starting from when i was 12-13 ive always known my identity was queer in some nature, and i love and accept that part of myself. i think i just didnt accept the fact that ill never have a romantic relationship. always hoping that maybe one day, ill feel it. i still hope this, but i know it probably never will happen.
i do like the queer label though. it's vague and i can give it my own meaning, but i guess people still assume you experience attraction in one way or another.
i sometimes think i don't have much issues about my asexual identity but that's not true. none of my friends were talking about sex before i started college. some had partners, but sex just. wasn't a topic. i could tell myself we were all too young for this anyways. but my new friends *do* have sex, while i kept telling myself i didn't have time for all that. while i just really really don't want it. feeling a bit like georgia in loveless lol. and because i’m only 18 (and trans, but that’s a different conversation) people don’t really put that expectation on me either.
once i started t my libido rised significantly and i truly believed that i was wrong about my asexual identity. i had read about this happening to other people. not to say that that’s a bad thing, i think it’s normal for identity to change over time, and starting hormones can make someone more comfortable in their body and thus more comfortable with the idea of sex. but i realised this wasn't true for me. and again, this is libido and not attraction. i think i had to grieve a bit. like. about a future i won't have? i don't know.
reading list/nonfiction
reading list with the occasional video. mostly blog/tumblr/forum posts. tba. also i haven't read the majority of these. hence the name reading list.
- loveandavatar on reddit: Greyromantic People, What Does Romantic Attraction Actually Feel Like For You?
- shoutpawscopic on dating as a demiromantic
- queenie of aces' linkspam on asexuality and relationships
- queenie of aces' linkspam on greyness
- QPR checklist -> this could also be used as a guide to figure out what you like and dont like and help you figure out your orientation
- Being Not Straight by JaidenAnimations
- The Quoiromantic Manifesto by Nakamura Kasumi, translated to english by aceadmiral
- Story of The Split: a zine about ace community history by coyote
- Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen
- Ace and Aro Journeys: A Guide to Embracing Your Asexual or Aromantic Identity by The Ace and Aro Advocacy Project
tumblr screenshot yard
if you click on the screenshot you'll be transported to the post! (update mostly embeds since i realised you could do that lol)
these are things i either find interesting and/or that describe my exact experience.
canon and headcanons
characters and fictional media. will add later
headcanon
canon
canon
canon (but not explicitly talked about in the books)
headcanon
canon
to be read!
canon
to be listened to!
canon (but not explicitly talked about in the show)
headcanon
canon
to be seen!
canon (but not explicitly talked about in the show)