• pill capsule sewing project thing
• make portraits of my family
• make a whole art series about transness (either based on my own experiences or maybe make an enquete to include other experiences aswell)
• make a poster for a family event
• make a cardboard trash bin, have people write things on paper, crumple it up and throw it in there
• and maybe then glue or sew or staple those on something
• design a webpage with a portfolio
• write a fanfiction....
• or a play!
• write a children's book and illustrate it!
• film a script i wrote a few months ago
• omg and it seems so fun to have like a fictional journal/log??? :0

(morning)
i'm not sure if i still like the layout of the home page especially. idk it's starting to feel kind of unpersonal. and i like that it's very like, organised ish but there isn't any spice and yeahhh. so either i remake the homepage or i make a very different about page! idk. i'm also not sure if i'll draw a new header or just delete it alltogether. there's so many different things to do and it's a bit scary but in the end, this is my own site and i do whatever i want to. like this is a place to be myself and learn to code which is awesome. i want to add blinkies, i had them in the beginning but i put them together with the links page which sucked a bit.

i think i maybe want to try like a fandom page for my about? or a pinterest layout for homepage? i'll try to draw them today. and i also want to make a new shrine even though half of my site isn't finished yet lmaoo. it'll never be finished though. probably gonna design one of those today aswell!!

on a whole different subject, i've started with a new artwork! i painted the canvas black yesterday and started sewing empty pill capsules on it. i'm planning on painting those black aswel (or like blue-geen-black ish idk) and then paint something else on that. no idea what yet though. my first idea was someone sleeping, though now i'm thinking of a glass of water. i first need to sew like over half of the capsules on though so i have some time to thing lol.

(evening)
LMAO i wrote this this morning and now half of the pages are already edited. autism go brrr. i'm really happy how it turned out and i'll probably do another big edit in a month or so but it's nice!!!! i'm gonna make a different layout for the crea pages though so it's easier to navigate those separately. i think i want it to be a bit like a folder? i swear i once saw a website with a layout like that but i can't find it T-T

i only have a test for french this week which will be fine, i'm alright at that. for my illustration class we'll go somewhere to interview strangers, about whom we'll later design a card deck. i'm pretty sure that's all for this week. i'm very tired, so i'm glad. goal for next week: take more pictures.

yeah the title says it all; dysphoria times mixed with period does NOT match. i've been on contraception (minipill, 75mg desogestrel) since november, but i don't think it works T-T. like my gynaecologist said it's possible to bleed especially in the beginning, but i've had my period for 16 days every two months since then, and since end february/begin march the longest i've gone without a period is two weeks. TWO WEEKS. i think my period is gone, i'm happy, four days later it's back. so now i have to go (i mean i had a choice, but i'm kinda worried) to get an echo to see if everything is normal with my uterus and all that like????? T-T

i'm very happy i changed like my course at school, but my classmates are much more conservative than my pervious ones. i have 3 friends though, and they're good and open minded but holy fucking shit. there are four people in my class who have literal swastikas on their calculators and think it's funny. my art history teacher said "transgender" once and they started laughing. one of them watches h!tler videos during class.
and since i switched, i feel a lot more pressure to conform to like, masculine standards? while i've never cared that much honestly, only on bad days, but i've seriously considered stopping wearing kohl pencil and eyeshadow (underneath my eyes) to pass better, even though they know that i'm trans. it's so unfair like i'm at an art school. half of the people who go here are alternative, i should be able to do this. so many guys wear makeup or have long hair or wear jewellrey or are more stylish but when i do that, i get misgendered. and i want to pass more because it's so so fucking hard to constantly fight against a norm that shouldn't even exist, but i also don't want to hide myself again.
it's not even that i look that alt. like i swear, the most alt is my kohl pencil and that's the only thing i wear, together with my eyeshadow. both only on my lower eyelid and udner my eye. i wear three rings. i also wear two bracelets and a necklace, but those aren't even visible half of the time. the most alt my clothing gets are my green trousers. and yet i feel so aware that people are judging me.

idk man i just don't want to be trans.

some people think it's so easy, think i can already do surgeries and hormones and all that and that i never ever have to be scared. and i know that doesn't come from a place of malice, more of unawareness, but it still hurts somehow? like no, i've been on a waiting list for a year and i'll be on there for at least another year, and then i have at least a year of psychological support, and then i can hopefully start. i'm constantly torn between telling people or hiding because hiding is safer but showing feels better. and i'm constantly scared that someone bad knows and that they'll try to hurt me. i've had nightmares of people chasing me down the street. being thrans is fucking hard and i'm so so so scared for the next election in my country because two right-wing parties are very popular right now and there's a big chance that they'll form a coalition and i don't know if i'll even be able to start hrt then. i'm just so scared and so angry all of the time

i'll feel better tomorrow, probably. i hope so.

hello! i'm terrible at naming these things, i'm thinking of quitting the title alltogether lol. school started again so i don't have much time to work on the site anymore :( to be fair, it's mainly because i'm tired!!! who would've guessed lmao. i've been having a lot of headaches which a) remind me to drink water, which is good, and b) literally don't go away with drinking water. it's very busy in the city where i study, so i think it probably has something to do with that! i think it's called a fair in english? so yeah that makes a lot of noise even though it hasn't started yet; a lot of construction works in the city aswell; and the weather is getting better, which means more tourists! i know theyre good for the economy and all that but i swear they're a danger to others and themselves- how hard is it to look before crossing the road (not even at a pedestrian crossing!!!!)?? most of them are loud and rude and walk in the middle of the street and are confused when i ring my bike bell like girl get out of my wayyy. no some of them are very kind, i love taking pictures for tourists, but there's no reason to start shouting in a random shop that there isn't any gatorade T-T americans are so weird stop shouting

ANYWAYS! i feel like im doing the whole site thing wrong, but in the same sense that i feel like i'm being human wrong? but yeah if you have any tips or concerns pls leave a message in my guestbook ^^

i went to a concert with my dad yesterday! there weren't any sitting spots so i was a bit anxious that it'd be too busy. last time i was at a standing concert i nearly had a panic attack because it was so claustrophobic! but it was very good and i felt very safe :) the two artists were very very good, and i got a signed poster! i'd recommend them but they both sing in dutch and i don't think many of you speak dutch hahah. before the concert i had dinner with my dad at a pita place! i had been there before for takeaway, but i had rehearsal right after and it was cold by the time i could eat it :( but it was super good yesterday, the people were super friendly and it was very quiet there which i always like ahah! i really like my dad, he's very fun and easy to be around :)

i'm working on the muse ariadne prompt for this week! it's a super fun prompt again, i started writing in french class but i had to pay attention lol. i've also started writing a peter pettigrew fanfic.... just drafts and all that but i really like his character (fuck what jkr says he is MY character now and he'd never betray his friends) and there i can't really find any positive peter-centered fanfics and it made me a bit sad! so yur i'm writing it. i think just lovers peter is very accurate but it's not centered around him so yeah!

the people in the hallway are being a bit loud. i think they're my friends? i'm not sure. but they're being loud and it's annoying because my head hurts but they're allowed to because it's not study hour yet. but i want (and need to, for school) to go for a run and i don't want to have to explain to them. one of htem is also going for a run, i heard, so i hope i don't run into him because that's just fucking embarrassing. i know i need to work on anxiety and all that but why do that if i can avoid social interactions alltogether?

sometimes i just want to stop talking. i don't really like talking. sometimes i do but sometimes it feels very icky and idk i don't like it. it would be so much easier if i didn't have to talk. so much quieter. my head hurts. and my knees too. i feel very nervous though i'm not sure why. i hope the run will help.

i have a folder on youtube with vlogs and video essays and to be honest, i don't watch them that often, but sometimes (like now) i get cozy, put them on while doing some work or journalling or whatever and i get into this productive headspace and get really motivated to do all kinds of things lol

like, i just planned my workouts for the next month. am i gonna stick to it? i hope so, but i'll probably have a bad day and then just stop it alltogether, so no.

a lot of the videos in the folder are like "how to glow up" "how to make 2024 your year" "how to romanticise your life" and of course, "how to be that girl". the videos motivate me as ive just said but i just can't relate to it? most of these vloggers are cishet, ablebodied and neurotypical women. and good for them like yay! but i'm a trans guy and i can't relate or start doing the stereotypical feminine things even if i wanted to (because dysphoria's a bitch). and i can't "just start" some new habits because i don't like new things and i am very inconsistent and some days i barely can get out of bed and don't have the energy to do anything. i can't write in my journal everyday, i can't "journal the sadness away" when some days brushing my teeth is too much. and sometimes i get really sad when listening or watching these videos. i'm glad for them that life is working out for them but for me and so many people it just doesn't and there aren't any popular vloggers (that i know of) that arent ablebodied cishet neurotypical women.

a part of me hates the "that girl" aesthetic because it gives people who don't fit that demographic another reason to hate themselves (or maybe i'm just projecting here lmao; don't take this all too seriously i'm just typing directly what i'm thinking). but another part wants someone who looks like me and who's brain and body works like mine to make that kind of videos. (i tried adding "male" or "guy" to the search bar things but i got andrew tate type of stuff and like. No.) and maybe i should start making videos but Anxiety.

honestly i think making videos and filming and saying what im thinking might help a lot? like mentally? and i do like montaging (i don't know if that's the right verb) so like. maybe? but who would want to watch vlogs from an underage queer neurodivergent mentally ill trans guy lmao. i'm scared the topics would be too disordered.
i don't have to post them of course, but i think it'd feel kind of unfinished. i could try just filming myself when i feel bad, or voice recording. that could be useful for my therapy sessions aswell, probably.

look at me yapping. my sister fainted this morning which was pretty scary, but she's better now. we watched night at the museum together. she liked it :) once i knew she was better, i had a nice day. i got my new passport (my name is officially changed now!! still have to wait to change my sex on it though but RAH!!!) i went out with my grandparents and cousin, ate like painfully much but it was very fun to hang out with them. i got a red velvet cake for my sister. i'm very tired, a lot happened. i'm gonna sleep.

i just removed the iframe and made individual pages for each artist and i already regret it T-T like idk i didn't like how it looked but now its even shittier like i want to edit a button and i have to go through 16 pages to edit it... like girl what the fuck. rah. i don't feel like changing it again now so like maybe later? maybe tomorrow? maybe when im studying? idk
i want to remove some pages that i saw last term (neoclassicism, some romantic painters) so i can focus on the ones that i have to learn *now*. and idk with the iframe i couldn't get the width that i wanted? maybe it just looked like crap because i used boxes... maybe if i make smaller boxes and add an image next to it, it will look better? maybe i should make test pages before changing a whole layout T-T
anyways, i was summarizing art history this morning and i'm halfway through with realism!

i'm sad i forgot to bring my painting supplies home. now i can't paint. i don't have my oil pastels. i don't have my markers. i still can make art, of course; i can always make art. maybe i can borrow something from my brother, but i don't really want to ask. i want to start oil or goache painting. i'll have to buy some colour sometime.
i think today will be a bit nostalgic, melancholic. i feel too old and too young for my body and i miss what i was and i miss what i will be. i wish school would start again so i could be busy and have routine.

i wish i knew what i was doing wrong with the art history shrine. the background of the iframe is black - why? everywhere i have background-color: none; in the body, in the iframe, it should be clear! why isn't it clear?
i want a total makeover for my website, and i've only had it for a month - in two days, exactly a month. i like how it looks but i don't know. i somehow both want each page to have a different layout and that each page has the same layout. now it's a bit of a mix, though most have the same layout and idk i think it's a bit boring T-T
i think i'll go surfing through neocities sites again, and try to find things i want to have on my site. make some sketches. figure some things out. maybe i should learn javascript. i'll see.

i'm pretty happy with today and with the changes i was able to do to the site; i thought it'd be messy for very long. i got the most important pages fixed now, but things like this (the journal page i mean) i'll try to fix tomorrow :)

had a bit of a busy day, but i'm really satisfied!
i woke up a little earlier than usual so i could start preparing for my art history exam (only about 9 weeks left before exams start for me T-T) and i managed to finish everything i have to know about delacroix. i hope i can soon add it to my shrine!
then i went for a run. i started running three weeks ago! i asked my parents if i could get an excuse or whatever so i wouldn't have to do p.e. anymore since it gives me a lot of dysphoria and i've had a few panic or anxiety attacks or whatever (i can't keep them apart very well) about it, before and during the lessons. so they went to talk to my school and i don't have to do it anymore, as long as i do start to run! i don't know if other countries know about that, but it's basically what the name says lol. i have to run with certain intervals, written in the plan, and in 10 weeks i should be able to run 30 minutes without breaks. this monday i went for a run, but i wasn't able to follow the plan because i was very nauseous and dizzy and my knee hurt terribly. i didn't have the time to run for the past few days, but i did the same plan today and i did it!!! i'm super proud of myself ^-^
then i got back, showered bla bla got ready and went to my cousin, who's a barber! i have a photography assignment to picture a craft, so i asked him and he said yes! he said he liked the photos too, and he might use them on his website!! :D

i'm really tired now and don't have much more to say really, but i'm happy with my day and i hope you are too ^^

i hate easter break. last year it was better, i think, because i could work for a week then and i was away from home. now i don't have one, and everything is so out of my control. i asked my parents last week about all the plans and they said "oh, not much really". my mom told me some stuff and i wrote it in my agenda. then suddenly yesterday my dad said "oh by the way we're going to your cousin's birthday party" like OH FORGOT TO MENTION THAT??? they know i don't like being unprepared for things like that, and maybe my aunt let them know way too late but i was in a mood yesterday and i didn't get any work done at all.

i feel kinda bad about it though. i keep being angry at my parents and siblings and everything, though i don't mean to. or not all the time. i just feel so out of control and i can't even use the coping mechanisms i'd use at my dorm because at my dorm i'd just go to my room and lay on the floor (it helps to ground) until i feel better, but then they're annoyed that i'm not doing anything. i really really want to go back to my dorm. THAT is my home, not here. everything is structured and happens at the same time. i have a schedule. i can wake up and get ready and all that without waking anyone up, i can get breakfast when i want and choose what to have. i can eat the same thing everyday if i want to! the only unpredicable thing is dinner and by now thats a predictable unpredictable thing. i can walk in the city before going to school. i can listen to music and do what i like after school. if i have a bad day, i can lay in bed after school and just sleep without being bothered. here at home it's like, "oh you have a bad day? go on a walk. talk to us. play a game. do some exercise. you'll feel better". they don't get how overwhelming everything is to me, even though i've tried explaining a million times. half my family is autistic aswell and they STILL don't understand.

i think they're harming themselves by masking. my family has this strong need to be perceived as normal, so they mask and make fun of me and the others if we don't mask. they almost all have terrible headaches and are tired all the time, half of them have had a burnout, but they believe they just need to "push through". and i know that's toxic, and i know they all should see someone for that, but it makes me so fucking angry. like, fine if you want to live that way, but why do they force me to do it too?

rah i made like a new opening page? idk how to call it... it's really cool in my humble opinion, though i still need to draw some things of my own for it. i kinda want to have the story continue onto my page but i *really* don't feel like editing my whole site again T-T i think i'll just edit the story so it fits more? or just delete it idk. maybe i should keep it more simple.
i think i'll delete the story, but will keep an image (that i still have to draw) of my little alien creatures with an entrance button maybe? i'll see

i'm babysitting on my siblings for a bit until my dad gets home again. i say babysitting while theyre nearly both teenagers but still. jesus they grow up so fast (read that in the voice of that one grandmother at the family reunions). as long as they're on their ipads they're fine, but the second they get off they're a lot to deal with :/ i'm not made to care for kids, or maybe this is just a regular sibling thing. i do love them, but i always seem to get angry with them even when i don't want to be.
anyways we're having hotdogs and i'm 80% sure i'll accidentally explode the sausages. pls help me i'm a disaster when it comes to cooking. and some other stuff.

omg also!!! team starkid is making a new musical??? holy shit?????? cinderella was my favourite disney movie as a kid. as in my mom said there were days i watched it 5 times a day when i was like 4. i haven't watched it in so long but ???????? omfg??? i still need to watch nerdy prudes must die though, i started a while ago but didn't finish whoops.

hey guys. it's as the title says either very late or very early. pro tip; don't lay in bed reading wolfstar fanfic AFTER youve taken your sleeping medication.idk if it's like this with every type, but i think mine works out after an hour or so. so like. don't do that tomorrow, future me.
i am currently lying in my bed, not even sitting up to look at my pc bc im tired but not too tired and ic ant sleep and i dont feel like sitting up and it's a good way to test my blind typing skills. i'm so sorry to people with screenreaders if youre trying to read this. if it's too bad i'll edit it later, but i think my typing is okay as long as i don't do it too fast. idk. my brain is jumping from one thing to another and it's very hard to try to concentrate on the fact that i should be sleeping. i have a feeling i won't like this break very much, but my mom's away for work most of the time and my dad's home most of the time, which is good. i'm a bit scared that my siblings will fight (as in yell at eachother) a lot. i hope i can get some exam preparation done. oh my god guess what, just a few hours of focussing this evening and i literally just. made the art history shirne layout. i'm so proud of myself like omg wow i did that. fun fact pro tip if you turn off your light youre more likely to get tired. maybe that was the problem.i need to clean my desk. but i'll try to sleep now.

happy easter, happy ostara, happy trans day of visibility and happy birthday to my dad!!! i'm really satisfied with how the site is starting to look. i still struggle a bit but i'm learning and that's the most important bit!

my grandparents are coming this evening for my dad's birthday, which is nice (because they're nice) and Not Nice (because it disrupts my usual sunday evening schedule AND it means my sister will be seeking more attention than usual). i promised to sit with them for a while though. i haven't seen them in a while. during the week i'm at my dorm and in the weekends i don't have much time to visit, though i try to work it into my schedule. i hope can talk for a bit without my sister interrupting at every possible occasion. she has a cold though, so i'm not sure if she even hears me talk at the moment. people have often said i talk quiet.

on another hand, i think i'll need to set some priorities for this site. i keep working a bit on every page, which is fun, but i think i will make a list of pages i really want to get done first. i mean not done-done, this page will always be a work in progress, which is really cool in my opinion. i mean like, i want to get the style of my art history shrine done so i can start adding onto it, and i want my marauders shrine done so i can make character shrines, and i want more creative pages, and i want more stuff on my library page, and and and. LMAO i have so many ideas and i love going through other sites to get more ideas and my pile of ideas is growing bigger everyday. it's so fun but also kind of overwhelming!

omg side note, i made tiramisu for my dad and my parents said it's really good and i'm proud of myself for it! :D

OKAY back to priorities: i just made my sitemap and it made me realise how much i want to do! i know i literally only started this page this month, but i think something in my brain thinks this is a race and i need to get it done *right now*, while this is supposed to be fun! i'm already glad i figured out iframes though, the journal page looks a whole lot different and i really like it. the sitemap looks more organised too! i think i want to add each page's favicon to the list, but not every page has one yet, so that's another thing to do.

i think i'll make the art history shrine first. i drew it out yesterday i think? i'll take my time for it, i really want it to look nice, maybe a bit dark academia? or light? rah and i also want to add a light and dark mode, but i still have to figure out how to do that! i have easter break right now, which means i have two weeks to figureit out before i have to focus on school again :)

i've been trying to get my marauders shrine right but it just won't work T-T like whyyyyyy i know i must be doing something wrong but i don't know what. i think i might just start all over again, i really don't know how to fix it now :(

on another note, i really do like the new layout i made :) i know not a lot changed but it does look a whole lot different to me and i'm happy with it!! i'm not sure if i want my shrines in a completely different style or similar,,, probably should figure that out before i change everything again lmao.

my task about daumier went well though. i got 400 words in and already got my grade! 4/5, not too bad :) i've also gotten my grades for the past few months (i know there's an english word for it but i can't think of it rah) and i didn't fail a single subject!! my art history was like 75% which is good, but i know i can do better. it would've been higher if i actually studied for the only test we had the past months, but i was exhausted and literally couldn't stand up the day before... usually my planning is better but yeah lol. i'm really proud of myself though, i did really really well and i'm above average on most subjects!! and my start to run is also going pretty well. i'm only on week 2 lmao but i'm allowed to be proud.

little vent, no trigger warnings! it was my friends birthday today. last week she announced her sleepoverparty to be tomorrow after school until the evening after that. i asked my parents on tuesday and they said i could go but they'd pick me up the same evening because we have things planned saturday morning. which is fine by me! but i tell my friend and they say "oh yeah not many people could come so i'll probably move it to sunday or monday". they said this on tuesday. today i said, "hey d'you know when your party will be?" and they said they'd ask their parents. GIRL. i need to be prepared, i need to know if i need to prepare for a party tomorrow or not. but now they've moved it to sunday AND monday (which i wouldn't be able to do anyways, two whole days are way too much for me to take mentally), both days i also have plans i can't cancel, so i told them this. their answer? "yeah but it might move again i still need to ask the others if they can come". girl at this point the plan has been changed so many times i don't even want to come anyways. don't get me wrong, i love my friends, i would give them the world if i could!!! but all the plan-changing is giving me massive anxiety and it's hard for me to communicate this so i hope i won't be too annoyed tomorrow!!!

ANYWAYS i got them a bike bell, which i painted black with a little white and grey shark on it!! it's for on their wheelchair bc they feel bad asking people to move out of the way lmaoo. really happy with how it turned out!!!

things i need to stop doing: a) drinking coffee after noon, b) procrastinating. i now have until 22h00 to write a report about a drawing of Daumier, i'm feeling rlly anxious bc i drank coffee which will probably Not Help with making the report AND i also have to figure out where to have dinner because my dorm is getting domino's and that's on the boycott list. idk if i'll even have the time to eat anything, though there's a small fry shop across the street and if i'm sneaky i can bring the food upstairs. or i could get some sandwich rolls from the store and just eat those. rah idk. that's the least of my issues though, i have to figure out what drawing i'm gonna write about first.

the thing is, Daumier made a shit ton of drawings and they're all really good, but not many of them are well known and have like articles written about them and oftentimes you can't find anything about it online. my teacher used some famous ones in her powerpoint and of course we're not allowed to use those. so like. help. i'll be fine though probably, i just need to find a way to calm the fuck down bc my heart is racing and i can't think properly T-T

i had this book report due this week and i did it, but the reflection has to be uploaded today and i still haven't done it :/ like, i have all the things i need i just need to combine them into a word document and upload it!! it's not that much work and yet i keep procrastinating. rah i hate this. it was a stupid task anyways but i really want to have good grades. it also doesn't help that the classmate who i had to work together with didn't do shit. it's so unfair istg.

but now i'm home alone so i can't body double, and everything is more interesting than my task. if i upload it before midnight i'll be fine, but i feel like i'll forget about it if i don't do it now. ughh.

and after i do that, i have 3 weeks to write a 500 word review about the book, make a cheat sheet for that, upload both, and then write my review as good as possible with only my cheat sheet. idk just seems like a lot of work and it freezes me. :/ i hope i can do it soon.