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5.12.2024 - 15:57 woaahh. been a while. i just sprayed fixative on my sketchbook and forgot that i better do that outside because now my whole room smells like it and the smell is awful. door and window are open now so i dont die but yeah lmao.

i made a dummy of my book! i have exams now so i dont have a lot of time to work on it, but i have a lot to show to the jury in two weeks. i hope ill get a good grade!! havent done anything for my exam tomorrow so uh we'll see. todays went well though. this week i've spent money on art supplies and soon ill be needing more because my aquarel palette is slowly but surely getting more empty. for one of my classes i had to paint a flag design and most of it was yellow so now my yellow paint is nearly out. i wish i had more time to update the site, but maybe it's time to let it rest for a while. i'm busy with a lot of other things! school, my project/book, my portfolio (gonna try to get into art uni!!), a musical, and then some time to myself... i barely have time to hang out with my friends!

speaking of friends, im not sure if its me being stressed and therefore more easily annoyed, but i think me and a frienda re growing apart. shes putting a lot of emotional stuff on my shoulders, like... im not really in a position to help her right now??? and shes idk. very worried about being cringe which makes me worried about being cringe while im trying not to worry about that and yeah. i dont want to hang out with her as much but i see her everyday at school so i cant avoid her and i cant tell her because shes already having a hard time. im actually thinking of just breaking contact as soon as i graduate, because she will keep trying to plan a hangout even though i have no time. shes a year younger than me, so yeah. i cant keep helping her with writing mails and asking teachers things and helping her with everything while i have so much things going on, and i definitely wont be able to do taht when im on the other side of the country. idk. i talk to my mom about it a lot and to my dad and to my therapist but yeah. its like she doesnt even notice that im ALSO having a busy time.

anyways. i should get back/start to studying math smldjflms
29.10.2024 - 11:22 i got so many things to do but im soooo tired. went to a book fair yesterday, bought three books and spent 70 euros on them TvT it's fine i'm happy with the books. my project (the a-level gsces (??) type thign) is going good, according to my mentor. i feel like i'm not doing enough, but apparently there are people who haven't started yet so. yeah. got four versions of my storyboard done, now working on the fifth. i hope i can finish the storyboard soon so i can start trying out dummies and typography and all that, but i "shouldn't rush the storyboarding phase" - my mentor. like yeah sure lots of illustrators work YEARS on their book, but i have 8 months. and i don't think the jury will be happy with just storyboards T-T. 47 days til the first jury, 196 days til the last jury. i'm a little very much nervous, but i think i'll be fine.

in about 4 weeks i also have to present a class project to mr jones watches (theyre super cool) and im scared because a) dysphoria voice b) my english reading & writing is good, my english listening is alright, my english talking is.... eh. so those two are just anxiety combinations, and i jsut know ill be stuttering my ass off. i tried to talk to an illustrator yesterday in my native language and i was already stumbling over my words then, how the fuck am i supposed to present a project in a language i never speak in? T-T but again, i'll be fine. i don't exactly feel good in my classgroup, but i trust my teacher well enough.

anyways. exams are in five weeks. and i'm performing a musical in less than two months. so i've got a lot of work and my friends want to hang out with me and i want to hang out with them, but i have absolutely 0 mental energy left to do that. but i'm managing! i'll be glad once the musical is done tho bc woah
23.9.2024 - birthday gift it was my birthday this weekend and my parents got me a very big and very soft blanket :) happy
31.8.2024 - fanboying on wednesday, i went to see a play with my mom. there were only two actors, one of which i had seen in two plays before. it was the same play twice, because it was very good, and also because i ordered the script online and something went wrong and i asked if they could hand it to me there and they said yes. i was able to speak to a few of the actors which was amazing, and the actor i saw again on wednesday then said i was a good audience. during the show i thought he was looking directly at me sometimes, but i thought he couldn't see me due to the lights sqlmdkfj.
that time they played in my small town, where most of the audience were elderly people who loudly talk to their friends during the show - a big difference to the place where i saw them the first time. i think he's a really great actor and really embodied his role. before the show he held a speech AS his character (it was a spring awakening type thing; not based on the musical afaik - ive never seen it - but based on wedekind's original texts), the teacher, and afterwards i listened to the other people talk. most of the elderly people actually believed he was a teacher who had organised spaghetti nights and stuff to fund this play TvT

anyways, i really wanted to see the new play! it was outside and we were able to find a spot in the front row - the other two times i also was able to sit in the front row, which was amazing. this time it was a more feel-good type thing (nothing like spring awakening lmao i CRIED) and in the first 10 minutes he already came to me in character, handing me a flyer and asking me 20 euros for it pfff. he went to other people as well ofc but me first.
i didn't think he would recognise me, but after the show when he and the other person (she was also realllly good!!) were cleaning up he came up to us and started talking!! like woaahhh. i held a conversation!!! he was super friendly and thanked me for coming again and it was super fun, and then he left and then we left and it was a very amazing experience overall :D
i hope i can see him play again (& the theater group he's in) soon!!!
20.7.2024 - artfight i havent been able to make a lot of attacks (i literally made one (1) lmao) sadly and i don't think i'll have the time to in the next week sadly. next year i'll hopefully be more prepared & have more time!
in the beginning of the month i made an attack and i just saw that that person attacked me back and guys. holy fucking shit. i don't know if they're on neocities but oh my god look at this. ITS SO COOL. im nearly crying oh my god they pictured her so perfectly oh my godddddd.
that's it that's the journal post. i'm very tired but very happy :D