29.10.2024 - 11:22 i got so many things to do but im soooo tired. went to a book fair yesterday, bought three books and spent 70 euros on them TvT it's fine i'm happy with the books. my project (the a-level gsces (??) type thign) is going good, according to my mentor. i feel like i'm not doing enough, but apparently there are people who haven't started yet so. yeah. got four versions of my storyboard done, now working on the fifth. i hope i can finish the storyboard soon so i can start trying out dummies and typography and all that, but i "shouldn't rush the storyboarding phase" - my mentor. like yeah sure lots of illustrators work YEARS on their book, but i have 8 months. and i don't think the jury will be happy with just storyboards T-T. 47 days til the first jury, 196 days til the last jury. i'm a little very much nervous, but i think i'll be fine.

in about 4 weeks i also have to present a class project to mr jones watches (theyre super cool) and im scared because a) dysphoria voice b) my english reading & writing is good, my english listening is alright, my english talking is.... eh. so those two are just anxiety combinations, and i jsut know ill be stuttering my ass off. i tried to talk to an illustrator yesterday in my native language and i was already stumbling over my words then, how the fuck am i supposed to present a project in a language i never speak in? T-T but again, i'll be fine. i don't exactly feel good in my classgroup, but i trust my teacher well enough.

anyways. exams are in five weeks. and i'm performing a musical in less than two months. so i've got a lot of work and my friends want to hang out with me and i want to hang out with them, but i have absolutely 0 mental energy left to do that. but i'm managing! i'll be glad once the musical is done tho bc woah
24.9.2024 - english homework why do teachers go like. hmmm yes this is a task i will Give and that my students will have to Record and then we will Watch taht Recording In Class. this is an exellent idea my students will love me

i have to voice record myself talking about a natural wonder, and writing about it is fine, but why talking? and why listening to it in class? i can imagine hearing your own voice is strange for everyone, but for me it gives me massive anxiety and gender dysphoria. i'm maybe going to talk to my teacher about this but idk what the alternative is. if i'm the only one in my class who won't be listened to in class, my classmates will never want to be friends with me. maybe i can ask if i can leave the classroom for a bit but idk.
i'm pretty sure my classmates know i'm trans but idk i don't feel very safe with most of them. four guys who are lowkey assholes and homophobic kind of??? idk. two people who hate everyone and everyone hates them (one of which keeps saying testosterone makes people aggressive), two people that i used to be friends with but are mean to my other friends & i don't agree with them on basic human rights things, and then there are three girls (usually two bc one keeps skipping class) who seem nice but idk them so well and they've known eachother for like five years, the fuck am i going to do there.

today i had lunch with my cousin and her friends because my one friend is sick and i can never find my friends who were my classmates last year. they mixed up the class group so bad. i have nobody. everyone in my class has somebody and i have nobody. i feel very anxious and very sad right now.

photography class sucked. i like doing photography on my own and stuff, because i don't have to follow rules, but my teacher is such an asshole and was very rude to me and a classmate a few weeks ago and he never writes down what we have to do and says different things to different people and explains things very weird and got annoyed with me because i didn't export my photos in the correct format and we didn't have enough time left. idk. i don't like photography. i don't like animation either even though my teacher is nice. i can't animate for shit.

yesterday i found a couple affordable dorms for next year. i hope next year i don't have to talk in front of class too much. next year i hopefully can start t. i'm very tired.
23.9.2024 - birthday gift it was my birthday this weekend and my parents got me a very big and very soft blanket :) happy
31.8.2024 - fanboying on wednesday, i went to see a play with my mom. there were only two actors, one of which i had seen in two plays before. it was the same play twice, because it was very good, and also because i ordered the script online and something went wrong and i asked if they could hand it to me there and they said yes. i was able to speak to a few of the actors which was amazing, and the actor i saw again on wednesday then said i was a good audience. during the show i thought he was looking directly at me sometimes, but i thought he couldn't see me due to the lights sqlmdkfj.
that time they played in my small town, where most of the audience were elderly people who loudly talk to their friends during the show - a big difference to the place where i saw them the first time. i think he's a really great actor and really embodied his role. before the show he held a speech AS his character (it was a spring awakening type thing; not based on the musical afaik - ive never seen it - but based on wedekind's original texts), the teacher, and afterwards i listened to the other people talk. most of the elderly people actually believed he was a teacher who had organised spaghetti nights and stuff to fund this play TvT

anyways, i really wanted to see the new play! it was outside and we were able to find a spot in the front row - the other two times i also was able to sit in the front row, which was amazing. this time it was a more feel-good type thing (nothing like spring awakening lmao i CRIED) and in the first 10 minutes he already came to me in character, handing me a flyer and asking me 20 euros for it pfff. he went to other people as well ofc but me first.
i didn't think he would recognise me, but after the show when he and the other person (she was also realllly good!!) were cleaning up he came up to us and started talking!! like woaahhh. i held a conversation!!! he was super friendly and thanked me for coming again and it was super fun, and then he left and then we left and it was a very amazing experience overall :D
i hope i can see him play again (& the theater group he's in) soon!!!
24.8.2024 - 12:38 this morning i was able to trick one of our chickens to get off her "nest" and collected two eggs! yippee. they weren't even her eggs (hers are small & white, these were big and brown), she was just sitting on them hah. we don't have a rooster so there can't be any baby chickens, though i'm pretty sure our chickens don't realise that.

i went through my results from my old school & nearly started crying because they didn't hold anything into account. i never learned to learn in my first year because it was lockdown. and the years after we only went over that material quickly and called it a day, while i was missing so much information. my maths teacher kept writing "what happened?" on my failed tests, while she was indirectly calling us stupid when we asked questions, spoke very loudly, humiliated classmates in front of the whole class - yeah, i wonder what happened. my other teachers were nice, but still said stuff like "this is material we saw in the first year!" or "you need to study more!" like girl. i was probably depressed, had a shit ton of pressure on my shoulders because of that school AND was going through massive grief. of course my grades are gonna suck.
i'm still unlearning habits and fears i got from my maths teacher - it's been over 3 years and i still get anxiety from asking questions in or after class and from asking for help. but, i'm making progress.

gonna throw away some old school stuff so i can reuse the binders this year. my room is even more of a mess now. four more days, and then it'll be cleaner.
i found my external hard drive back!! can put alll my backups on there now :)
18.8.2024 - 12:20 i made a plan to finish my art history page before school starts again (so i can keep up with new info) but i don't think i'll be able to follow through with it!! i have a bunch of personal projects i need to get finished and yeah. i hope i can finish them soon; the poster could be done today, a piece for my grandmother today or tomorrow & then i need to try some things out for another piece that needs to be done before 1 sept.

went to the library. borrowed some picture books as inspiration. eating leftover noodles for lunch. i think this is gonna be a good day.
14.8.2024 - 19:18 found a planner for the new schoolyear that i like & seems functional! yay! i kept looking up "school planners" and there were things like "meals i want to try" and "coffeeshops i want to go to" and i don't need all that! im just glad i found one :)
i want to get the art history page done by the end of summer. i've decided that literally five minutes ago. bc if i keep getting new cool information and classes i'll forget about the ones from my classes from this year!! and then i'll just have a bunch of empty sections and that's Not Fun.
i've already been looking for dorms for next year because everyone tells me to start looking for them early and holy shit dorms are expensive!!! i knew the prices have been going up but holy fucking hsit. i'm at like a boarding school type thing where we our rooms are cleaned every two weeks and we get breakfast (where we can also pack our lunch) & dinner, and the cheapest dorms i can find are at least twice the price and have none of those things. i knew the big city was expensive but yo...
my mom keeps telling me i can look already but not to stress too much yet and she's probably right lmao.

i'm glad i deleted some pages from the site. i think i was trying to do too much things with it and it didn't really encourage me to keep going with them, and then i felt bad about not continuing with those pages. so bye bye bears in trees shrine and some other pages - i already don't remember which ones i removed hah.

my brother beat me at chess today. and at mario kart, multiple times. i had fun though, it was a good day.
20.7.2024 - artfight i havent been able to make a lot of attacks (i literally made one (1) lmao) sadly and i don't think i'll have the time to in the next week sadly. next year i'll hopefully be more prepared & have more time!
in the beginning of the month i made an attack and i just saw that that person attacked me back and guys. holy fucking shit. i don't know if they're on neocities but oh my god look at this. ITS SO COOL. im nearly crying oh my god they pictured her so perfectly oh my godddddd.
that's it that's the journal post. i'm very tired but very happy :D