24.9.2024 - english homework why do teachers go like. hmmm yes this is a task i will Give and that my students will have to Record and then we will Watch taht Recording In Class. this is an exellent idea my students will love me

i have to voice record myself talking about a natural wonder, and writing about it is fine, but why talking? and why listening to it in class? i can imagine hearing your own voice is strange for everyone, but for me it gives me massive anxiety and gender dysphoria. i'm maybe going to talk to my teacher about this but idk what the alternative is. if i'm the only one in my class who won't be listened to in class, my classmates will never want to be friends with me. maybe i can ask if i can leave the classroom for a bit but idk.
i'm pretty sure my classmates know i'm trans but idk i don't feel very safe with most of them. four guys who are lowkey assholes and homophobic kind of??? idk. two people who hate everyone and everyone hates them (one of which keeps saying testosterone makes people aggressive), two people that i used to be friends with but are mean to my other friends & i don't agree with them on basic human rights things, and then there are three girls (usually two bc one keeps skipping class) who seem nice but idk them so well and they've known eachother for like five years, the fuck am i going to do there.

today i had lunch with my cousin and her friends because my one friend is sick and i can never find my friends who were my classmates last year. they mixed up the class group so bad. i have nobody. everyone in my class has somebody and i have nobody. i feel very anxious and very sad right now.

photography class sucked. i like doing photography on my own and stuff, because i don't have to follow rules, but my teacher is such an asshole and was very rude to me and a classmate a few weeks ago and he never writes down what we have to do and says different things to different people and explains things very weird and got annoyed with me because i didn't export my photos in the correct format and we didn't have enough time left. idk. i don't like photography. i don't like animation either even though my teacher is nice. i can't animate for shit.

yesterday i found a couple affordable dorms for next year. i hope next year i don't have to talk in front of class too much. next year i hopefully can start t. i'm very tired.
23.9.2024 - birthday gift it was my birthday this weekend and my parents got me a very big and very soft blanket :) happy
31.8.2024 - fanboying on wednesday, i went to see a play with my mom. there were only two actors, one of which i had seen in two plays before. it was the same play twice, because it was very good, and also because i ordered the script online and something went wrong and i asked if they could hand it to me there and they said yes. i was able to speak to a few of the actors which was amazing, and the actor i saw again on wednesday then said i was a good audience. during the show i thought he was looking directly at me sometimes, but i thought he couldn't see me due to the lights sqlmdkfj.
that time they played in my small town, where most of the audience were elderly people who loudly talk to their friends during the show - a big difference to the place where i saw them the first time. i think he's a really great actor and really embodied his role. before the show he held a speech AS his character (it was a spring awakening type thing; not based on the musical afaik - ive never seen it - but based on wedekind's original texts), the teacher, and afterwards i listened to the other people talk. most of the elderly people actually believed he was a teacher who had organised spaghetti nights and stuff to fund this play TvT

anyways, i really wanted to see the new play! it was outside and we were able to find a spot in the front row - the other two times i also was able to sit in the front row, which was amazing. this time it was a more feel-good type thing (nothing like spring awakening lmao i CRIED) and in the first 10 minutes he already came to me in character, handing me a flyer and asking me 20 euros for it pfff. he went to other people as well ofc but me first.
i didn't think he would recognise me, but after the show when he and the other person (she was also realllly good!!) were cleaning up he came up to us and started talking!! like woaahhh. i held a conversation!!! he was super friendly and thanked me for coming again and it was super fun, and then he left and then we left and it was a very amazing experience overall :D
i hope i can see him play again (& the theater group he's in) soon!!!
24.8.2024 - 12:38 this morning i was able to trick one of our chickens to get off her "nest" and collected two eggs! yippee. they weren't even her eggs (hers are small & white, these were big and brown), she was just sitting on them hah. we don't have a rooster so there can't be any baby chickens, though i'm pretty sure our chickens don't realise that.

i went through my results from my old school & nearly started crying because they didn't hold anything into account. i never learned to learn in my first year because it was lockdown. and the years after we only went over that material quickly and called it a day, while i was missing so much information. my maths teacher kept writing "what happened?" on my failed tests, while she was indirectly calling us stupid when we asked questions, spoke very loudly, humiliated classmates in front of the whole class - yeah, i wonder what happened. my other teachers were nice, but still said stuff like "this is material we saw in the first year!" or "you need to study more!" like girl. i was probably depressed, had a shit ton of pressure on my shoulders because of that school AND was going through massive grief. of course my grades are gonna suck.
i'm still unlearning habits and fears i got from my maths teacher - it's been over 3 years and i still get anxiety from asking questions in or after class and from asking for help. but, i'm making progress.

gonna throw away some old school stuff so i can reuse the binders this year. my room is even more of a mess now. four more days, and then it'll be cleaner.
i found my external hard drive back!! can put alll my backups on there now :)
23.8.2024 - sick and sad my hands are really shakey. i tried to paint a bit but idk i'm not satisfied with what im making rn. i've been wanting to start making stickers and art prints but i have no idea what to put on them lol. going to an art market this sunday so maybe i can find some inspiration there. i'm tired of the vacation. i want to move my stuff in my dorm again but i can't until wednesday. my room is too full to move around or rehearse or whatever, and i know next year it'll be worse bc i'll have to bring my matress and desk chair home as well.

i've been feeling a bit sick & down the past couple of days. my grandpa had to get surgery and they say it went well. my mom's friend also needs to do surgery and there's a big chance it won't go as well, so my mom is sad, and since i was little my emotions heavily relied on her emotions (idk if i worded that correctly) so now we're both a bit sad.
i saw spirited away in the cinema with my friends and it was nice, but i wasn't able to talk to my friends very much and then i felt like they didn't want to be my friends which i know is not true but idk. i'm not a good friend during the vacations, i don't really talk or meet and everything. i already didn't feel like going to the movies with them. my school friends are for at school, the ones i don't see at school are for vacations. and if i don't see my friends i forget i have them. :/
i hope they're not angry with me. my best friend's boyfriend is still angry with me for something that isn't really worth being angry about (i forgot to say hi to him one time and a whole other situation that i won't get in to) and i'm pretty sure he blocked me now so like. fine. idk. i feel sad.
i want to do so much and i can't because i'm sick and have headaches and my hands keep twitching and my brain won't work properly.

anyways, i went to the store to buy some school stuff and i hope this year will be good. i really need this year to be good. my stomach hurts.
18.8.2024 - 12:20 i made a plan to finish my art history page before school starts again (so i can keep up with new info) but i don't think i'll be able to follow through with it!! i have a bunch of personal projects i need to get finished and yeah. i hope i can finish them soon; the poster could be done today, a piece for my grandmother today or tomorrow & then i need to try some things out for another piece that needs to be done before 1 sept.

went to the library. borrowed some picture books as inspiration. eating leftover noodles for lunch. i think this is gonna be a good day.
14.8.2024 - 19:18 found a planner for the new schoolyear that i like & seems functional! yay! i kept looking up "school planners" and there were things like "meals i want to try" and "coffeeshops i want to go to" and i don't need all that! im just glad i found one :)
i want to get the art history page done by the end of summer. i've decided that literally five minutes ago. bc if i keep getting new cool information and classes i'll forget about the ones from my classes from this year!! and then i'll just have a bunch of empty sections and that's Not Fun.
i've already been looking for dorms for next year because everyone tells me to start looking for them early and holy shit dorms are expensive!!! i knew the prices have been going up but holy fucking hsit. i'm at like a boarding school type thing where we our rooms are cleaned every two weeks and we get breakfast (where we can also pack our lunch) & dinner, and the cheapest dorms i can find are at least twice the price and have none of those things. i knew the big city was expensive but yo...
my mom keeps telling me i can look already but not to stress too much yet and she's probably right lmao.

i'm glad i deleted some pages from the site. i think i was trying to do too much things with it and it didn't really encourage me to keep going with them, and then i felt bad about not continuing with those pages. so bye bye bears in trees shrine and some other pages - i already don't remember which ones i removed hah.

my brother beat me at chess today. and at mario kart, multiple times. i had fun though, it was a good day.
13.8.2024 - vacation and school tbh i'm getting a bit tired of vacation. it's too long. in some parts of my country they have two weeks less, and while i'm grateful for the two months break, ITS TOO LONG. i don't really go see friends unless i can't see them during the year (like my friend who's going on an exchange program to denmark for a year T-T), bc otherwise i'm gonna hate them during the year and i guess that sounds like i hate my friends, i don't, but i just kinda need a social break i guess.
ANYWAYS. i'm stressing about my project this year (a-level type thing). i think i kind of know what i want to do, but i don't want to think about it too much bc i don't want to get bored of it during the year. so now i'm just waiting until i get more info about it because none of the teachers told us ANYTHING about it, apart from "it's best to get some ideas during the vacation ^^" so yea.

another thing i'm stressing about!! i want to go to uni after this year and i'm collecting as much information about my dream path as i can. my plan a is art sciences (art history plus some antropology), plan b is illustration though the school sites for that do NOT have enough information lmao, so i might go look at some schools so i can ask questions. today i've been looking at student organisations in my plan a school and there are some super cool politics & philosophy organisations and woaahh... but i first gotta get through this year lmao. i've also been journalling all day so my planners are ready for september!!

i've been working on a portfolio website bc i thought that might be cool and i kinda want to link it here but it has my full ass legal name and ermm yeah not doing that. there's still a lot of work to do (esp works that i actually want to put in there... woops)

i really just want to get started again. idk. have to buy some new school supplies & my math books are arriving soon so i can prepare those. in two weeks i can go put everything in my dorm again (my room at home is a mess right now). tomorrow i'll be home alone with my brother so that'll probably be chess and mario cart. maybe bake pancakes. i'll also visit my grandmother again soon to help her clean! i really enjoyed spending time with her the last couple of times :)
20.7.2024 - artfight i havent been able to make a lot of attacks (i literally made one (1) lmao) sadly and i don't think i'll have the time to in the next week sadly. next year i'll hopefully be more prepared & have more time!
in the beginning of the month i made an attack and i just saw that that person attacked me back and guys. holy fucking shit. i don't know if they're on neocities but oh my god look at this. ITS SO COOL. im nearly crying oh my god they pictured her so perfectly oh my godddddd.
that's it that's the journal post. i'm very tired but very happy :D
8.07.2024 - mentions of alcohol & drunkness 12:11. summer camp was. yeah. the first few days i cried a lot because i was tired as fuck and constantly having to Do Things did not help. it was very overwhelming as well. the director was very nice, as was the translator - like i said before, the director (and his theater group) is cuban and speak spanish and very little english. fun fact, before they got hired they actually told the organisation that they spoke english. which was a lie. i expected the language barrier to be difficult but holy fucking shit it was Difficult. i'm kinda happy with what we made, but i think we could've done better. the director was very nice though. there were a lot of new people at camp too, a few of which peer pressured others into smoking and stuff and brought weed and hard liquor which obviously didn't match well with having to rehearse and all that. there was a guy (18 years old) who kept talking about alcohol and got seriously drunk one night (the camp consuelors had to drag him into his bed) and idk i did not feel comfortable. i did sip of some drinks of my friends but i did Not like it. fucking disgusting lmao. water is amazing i love water.

i got some compliments on the piece that i wrote though!!! which is very nice. i might put it on here with a translation. not many people got it though because absurdism and abstraction and all that. it was nice hearing their interpretations and they were all very very good.

ARTFIGHT!!! i still need to make character sheets TvT. my friend introduced it to me like two weeks ago and i kept forgetting about it. i didn't draw a lot during camp but i did draw luz noceda from the owl house and im very proud of it :> i also made a bunch of pins which is Also Cool.

i need to empty my bag before my mom gets home but idk When She Gets Home so now im like procrastinating and listening to my sister sing in her room. i hate my siblings sometimes (because yeah typical sibling things i guess) but i really missed them this week. especially my sisters hugs.
29.06.2024 - 9:56 woahhh would you look at that, a new journal entry!! i got my results this week and they were a lot better than i expected!! i passed everything AND got 92% for art history which. yeah. very happy :)

holy fuck i just sneezed and it hurt so bad. i woke up today with terrible neck pain. as in i couldnt get out of bed or shower without nearly crying from the pain. its a bit better now i guess, as long as i don't move around too much. i wanted to go for a run today but i'm pretty sure that's not gonna work. i will be going to the library with my brother though, because my mom wants him to go outside but doesn't want him to go alone. i don't mind, my brother's nice most of the time. i already have a book from the library but i think i might bring some more for the summer. or maybe a film. maybe if it's the nice lady (i mean all workers are nice there, but this lady has known me since i was like 3 and she's fun to chat with) i can ask if there are requirements to have artwork exhibited in the library. there are always super cool works and it changes every month or so. idk i can maybe ask her if i could show some works. my mom has a friend who's holding an exhibit soon & on her site it says you can contact her to exhibit with her. so my mom sent a message to ask but it's only for professional artists :/. still gonna go and see it probably, her works are pretty.

my room is very messy right now and i don't like it. i cleaned and organised some boxes yesterday but i don't really see the difference. my mom and i went to clean out my dorm room so all that stuff is now in my room at home.

i'm going on a theater summer camp this monday to sunday. we work on a play for five days and show it in the weekend. this year there's a cuban group coming to direct us!! i'm very excited but also kinda sad because two of my best friends can't come & there are two people coming that i really don't like (one is my ex that was kinda rude when i came out as aroace, and another one is a kid who was rude to my friend and her boyfriend), but i guess that will be alright. i still have some friends and it's only for a week!

i also sent a mail to one of my friends for her birthday, but turns out i wrote the wrong date down in my agenda T-T only missed it by a day though, and she isn't angry hahah. i hope i can write a letter for her during my camp or my trip later this summer!! the only social media we have in common is snapchat and we're both not active there, i don't even have her phone number lol. so when we said goodbye (before she switched schools) we decided to write letters! i couldn't find any stamps though, but i got some today from my grandma!
18.06.2024 - cw panicky thoughts 13:09 french went alright i guess. idk. i feel like a bad person rn.

17:01 i went downstairs bc i thought i would be able to study better there but some of the boys just kept moaning and then they left and then there was a guy whos alright sometimes and he kept watching tiktok very loudly while i was obviously studying and then i got a pudding bc yay snack and he and one of the educators also got one and started fake moaning again and then the educator stopped once he saw that i wasn't laughing along but the boy just kept going and i feel very icky right now and i can't breathe very well and i studied the wrong document about marx for my history exam tomorrow so now i have to learn three whole new pages plus the other ones i havent done yet which comes down to about 20 pages front and back and it's a lot and i don't feel like i can handle that right now and i really really want to crybut i cant bc i need to focus and study and icant study when im crying an dmy room is a fucking mess i cant fucking breathe in here and i cant go outside because its raining very hard and theres rude boys everywhere i just want to go home and hug my mom im so so so tired.
17.06.2024 - cw dysphoria i was making my bag for dorm and preparing my outfits yk and its gonna be warm this week but rainy anyways i thought id be fine wearing like idk what its called, like a sleeveless jumper. so i put it on this morning yes everything fine bla bla bla i arrive at my dorm, look at myself in the mirror and BAM dysphoria. like girl im wearing my binder theres not much more i can do. i do have a hoodie here but its kinda smelly and i don't rlly want to wear it but otherwise i have nothing and that makes the feeling even worse. im genuinely about to cry i just want to wear that jumper man. and i dont have the money to go buy a new hoodie, and even if i found one cheap enough itd have to work with my sensory issues. i went to a shop a few months ago to try some on and i hated it so bad :/ my mom said she'd take me shopping this weekend but then she just didn't (and i was too tired to do that probably but yeah) and now im just sitting here, crying, waiting til its time for me to go to my exam. :/

hi hello it's 19:55 now. lol everytime i come on here it's a pretty number. anyways im better now. studying with a friend. exam went shit but yeah. i think french will be alright if i manage to learn the grammar??? idk.
16.06.2024 - 11:55 since yesterday i've been thinking about this publisher of childrens books that came to talk in my illustration class. she kept saying "yeah if you want us to publish you it's best to have a site and an active social media" I DO NOT HAVE AN ACTIVE SOCIAL MEDIA???? I DO NOT WANT ONE????? like yooo instragram fucking sucks, all social media is shit to artists and i've never been able to be active on it T-T it's not fair man

also i'm like. so tired. i haven't slept properly in like a month? and i was fine this week but i think it's catching up to me (again). like jesus fucking christ why do i keep waking up an hour before my alarm clock. just stay asleep dumbass

hi hello it's 15:44 now i had lunch and then took like a two hour nap. i need to do that more often. i'm still tired but less and yeah. gonna try to finishe learning my french vocab and not focus on Everything Hurting right now,,,
i worked on...i feel...listening to...
frenchtired and sad/
15.06.2024 - yapping about commissions wondering if this layout is more for me!!!! idk i like it rn. change is good.

today i worked a bit for my english oral exam, which was mainly trying to memorise grammar, not giving a shit about vocab and attempting to talk about the cure (yes thats an actual assignment) without looking at my notes. idk i honestly didn't do a lot but it's better than nothing!

i also tried to do something for history, but it didn't work out the way i planned - as in i was tired and i'm hyperfixiating on how commissions work (i still don't entirely get how it works online) so i watched a bunch of youtube videos. i still need to ask my dad if i could set up ko-fi for the summer. a friend of mine still needs to pay me back and i *could* buy a drawing tablet then, but i want to buy the bears in trees tour tshirt first... idk how long those are gonna be in stock so yeah.

i've made a miro board to brainstorm and store information from the videos. honestly what stresses me out the most is like terms of service stuff T-T i don't know how authors rights and everything work man. but i could probably ask my dad about that, he's pretty smart. now that i'm typing this up, i'm thinking this should probably go in my project journal, though that is more to store concrete ideas. it's not lol idk i do what i want on here. anyways.
i also wrote down some prices... no idea if they're too high or too low, so maybe if i've worked out my commission sheet/site/whatever more i could ask for a Review on here,, prices are difficult. but yeah i also made the basic boundary things and what i possibly could do. i think for my traditional art i *could* scan it in and send it, or send it physically if it's within the EU.

soo yeah i've got: headshot, bust, half body, full body, little fucker (thats the little doodles like on the homepage!!), app icons and birthday cards.
working digitally is very fun and i really want a drawing pad so i can practise more often again. it used to be my Main Thing and then i didn't draw for a while and then i discovered aquarel and now i'm obsessed. i prefer working traditionally though and i'd actually like to sell things like locally but I DONT KNOW WHEREEE. i could go door to door but my whole region voted radical right these elections and i do Not think theyd like some random trans guy showing up to their doorstep being like "heyyy look at this silly guy that i painted"

ANYWAYS IM THINKING WAY TO MUCH ABOUT THIS!!!!!

omg side note i went to a play yesterday and it was so cool!!!! i wish i wouldve been more awake but it was so so good, it was a graduation thing of a theater school here and wowie. really good. fucking hilarious. i love theater!! and the place was also so cool. ive been there a couple times and like afterwards in the foyer you can talk to the actors which is AMAZING. i only did so once because scary but it's still very cool. that place was also the first time i saw disabled people on stage and it felt so free and i love that place holy shit.

but yeah there's still a lot i need to figure out about commissions!! i might just try to sell some traditional things to my grandparents and aunts lol. i think for online commissions it's easier to work digitally.
i worked on...i feel...listening to...
english exam
learning about how commissions work		tired but finewill wood :>