18.06.2024 - cw panicky thoughts 13:09 french went alright i guess. idk. i feel like a bad person rn.

17:01 i went downstairs bc i thought i would be able to study better there but some of the boys just kept moaning and then they left and then there was a guy whos alright sometimes and he kept watching tiktok very loudly while i was obviously studying and then i got a pudding bc yay snack and he and one of the educators also got one and started fake moaning again and then the educator stopped once he saw that i wasn't laughing along but the boy just kept going and i feel very icky right now and i can't breathe very well and i studied the wrong document about marx for my history exam tomorrow so now i have to learn three whole new pages plus the other ones i havent done yet which comes down to about 20 pages front and back and it's a lot and i don't feel like i can handle that right now and i really really want to crybut i cant bc i need to focus and study and icant study when im crying an dmy room is a fucking mess i cant fucking breathe in here and i cant go outside because its raining very hard and theres rude boys everywhere i just want to go home and hug my mom im so so so tired.
17.06.2024 - cw dysphoria i was making my bag for dorm and preparing my outfits yk and its gonna be warm this week but rainy anyways i thought id be fine wearing like idk what its called, like a sleeveless jumper. so i put it on this morning yes everything fine bla bla bla i arrive at my dorm, look at myself in the mirror and BAM dysphoria. like girl im wearing my binder theres not much more i can do. i do have a hoodie here but its kinda smelly and i don't rlly want to wear it but otherwise i have nothing and that makes the feeling even worse. im genuinely about to cry i just want to wear that jumper man. and i dont have the money to go buy a new hoodie, and even if i found one cheap enough itd have to work with my sensory issues. i went to a shop a few months ago to try some on and i hated it so bad :/ my mom said she'd take me shopping this weekend but then she just didn't (and i was too tired to do that probably but yeah) and now im just sitting here, crying, waiting til its time for me to go to my exam. :/

hi hello it's 19:55 now. lol everytime i come on here it's a pretty number. anyways im better now. studying with a friend. exam went shit but yeah. i think french will be alright if i manage to learn the grammar??? idk.
16.06.2024 - 11:55 since yesterday i've been thinking about this publisher of childrens books that came to talk in my illustration class. she kept saying "yeah if you want us to publish you it's best to have a site and an active social media" I DO NOT HAVE AN ACTIVE SOCIAL MEDIA???? I DO NOT WANT ONE????? like yooo instragram fucking sucks, all social media is shit to artists and i've never been able to be active on it T-T it's not fair man

also i'm like. so tired. i haven't slept properly in like a month? and i was fine this week but i think it's catching up to me (again). like jesus fucking christ why do i keep waking up an hour before my alarm clock. just stay asleep dumbass

hi hello it's 15:44 now i had lunch and then took like a two hour nap. i need to do that more often. i'm still tired but less and yeah. gonna try to finishe learning my french vocab and not focus on Everything Hurting right now,,,
i worked on...i feel...listening to...
frenchtired and sad/
15.06.2024 - yapping about commissions wondering if this layout is more for me!!!! idk i like it rn. change is good.

today i worked a bit for my english oral exam, which was mainly trying to memorise grammar, not giving a shit about vocab and attempting to talk about the cure (yes thats an actual assignment) without looking at my notes. idk i honestly didn't do a lot but it's better than nothing!

i also tried to do something for history, but it didn't work out the way i planned - as in i was tired and i'm hyperfixiating on how commissions work (i still don't entirely get how it works online) so i watched a bunch of youtube videos. i still need to ask my dad if i could set up ko-fi for the summer. a friend of mine still needs to pay me back and i *could* buy a drawing tablet then, but i want to buy the bears in trees tour tshirt first... idk how long those are gonna be in stock so yeah.

i've made a miro board to brainstorm and store information from the videos. honestly what stresses me out the most is like terms of service stuff T-T i don't know how authors rights and everything work man. but i could probably ask my dad about that, he's pretty smart. now that i'm typing this up, i'm thinking this should probably go in my project journal, though that is more to store concrete ideas. it's not lol idk i do what i want on here. anyways.
i also wrote down some prices... no idea if they're too high or too low, so maybe if i've worked out my commission sheet/site/whatever more i could ask for a Review on here,, prices are difficult. but yeah i also made the basic boundary things and what i possibly could do. i think for my traditional art i *could* scan it in and send it, or send it physically if it's within the EU.

soo yeah i've got: headshot, bust, half body, full body, little fucker (thats the little doodles like on the homepage!!), app icons and birthday cards.
working digitally is very fun and i really want a drawing pad so i can practise more often again. it used to be my Main Thing and then i didn't draw for a while and then i discovered aquarel and now i'm obsessed. i prefer working traditionally though and i'd actually like to sell things like locally but I DONT KNOW WHEREEE. i could go door to door but my whole region voted radical right these elections and i do Not think theyd like some random trans guy showing up to their doorstep being like "heyyy look at this silly guy that i painted"

ANYWAYS IM THINKING WAY TO MUCH ABOUT THIS!!!!!

omg side note i went to a play yesterday and it was so cool!!!! i wish i wouldve been more awake but it was so so good, it was a graduation thing of a theater school here and wowie. really good. fucking hilarious. i love theater!! and the place was also so cool. ive been there a couple times and like afterwards in the foyer you can talk to the actors which is AMAZING. i only did so once because scary but it's still very cool. that place was also the first time i saw disabled people on stage and it felt so free and i love that place holy shit.

but yeah there's still a lot i need to figure out about commissions!! i might just try to sell some traditional things to my grandparents and aunts lol. i think for online commissions it's easier to work digitally.
i worked on...i feel...listening to...
english exam
learning about how commissions work		tired but finewill wood :>