mism4tchedsocks

thoughts and all that
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april 17, 2025 more scary things i did: chose a printer, mailed printers to say i chose another printer, i finished my photography task (for which i had to clean more than take pictures), played with kids to give their parents a chance to talk to my parents without being constantly interrupted lol, sent a letter, went home early on a family event, took a nap (without feeling guilty). i still have a lot of work to do, but i got about half of my spreads ready now i think. another half to go. yay.
ooh another thing i did: i put a new cover on a sketchbook i got. it was one of those sketchbooks with a van gogh paintin on the cover and idk i did Not like it. so i put a newspaper picture i liked around it! i tried to make this a while ago but i didnt succeed bc my hand was still in a cast.... yeah. im happy with it now though, even tho it looks a bit shitty.
ive spent the last two hours straight trying to get this one spread right, and i still havent gotten it right. oh well.

april 14, 2025 - scary things ive been doing big scary things lately. calling people i dont know to get information. mailing my teachers even though its easter break. working on the project. its giving me crazy anxiety but hey im doing it! i leave my phone downstairs. i still need to text someone about something and im dreading it. ill ask my cousin or my mom for help. im drawing directly in ink. im working on indesign on my laptop without the charger as a reminder of hey, keep working or the laptop will die. ive only worked on it for an hour and the battery is down to 20%, it started at 100. i finished a book i downloaded ages ago. i go on a walk without my binder on (okay thats bc i still dont have enough strenght in my hand to take it off again, but still. i did it.) im working. a lot. 4 more weeks til i have to present my project. scary. but im doing it.

april 10, 2025 - project venting actually kinda losing my shit over this project. like. wdym i have to present it to the jury in a month????????? wdym i have to be finished drawing in like a WEEK???? fukcing save me. also im using this font thats only free for personal use and my mentor said "eh its fine just use it" and now im using it but im also stressed tf out bc. ??? im not making any money from it tbh im losing money ive spent money on paper and ink and pens and now i have to get it al PRINTED there go my savings man omg

april 5, 2025 - pilot hating a big fuck you to pilot bc why the fuck arent their g-2 o7 pens waterproof anymore??????? also why do people from the uk keep calling me T-T

april 3, 2025 - book pondering im not sure if ill finish 1984. i know its the point that its glum, but ive had two dreams/nightmares about it and i dont really have the motivation to keep reading T-T i did want to read it before i turned 18 as a silly little goal but yah. i can always finish it later i guess.

april 1, 2025 - bathroom anxiety and general anxiety :P very stressed. wanted to finish my history homework tody but i havent. still need to find 3 sources and i cannot find any trustworthy ones. genuenly abt to cry. and everything and everyone is annoying me and luckily ive succeeded so far in not lashing out but jesus vfucking christ. im at home rn and its april fools and my little sister did something with the toilets and im glad she thinks its funny but it idk i dont like it like i panivked a bit. at boarding school & in public i have so much anxiety to use the bathroom bc of one (1) guy who asked my passport while i was pissing like 3 years ago. so i can only be at ease at home. and now i had to remove all her decorations and i feel guilty for not liking her prank and idk why i feel this way but yeah.


march 23, 2025 im working on this fic idea i had and i have to keep reminding myself that its fine if its not good bc i havent written an actual fic before. omg a while ago i stumbled upon one i started back when i was still into dsmp and all thaat and honestly? not too bad. im probably not gonna finish it anymore tho. the one now is about peter pettigrew bc there are not enough fics about that guy where hes a good character or even a central character. but now ive had this idea for over a year and i only just now started writing and idk it seems boring. like theres not really a conflict or anything and idk if thats bad or a,ntything but its just like his life? idk i havent outlined bc ill just go with the flow i think. i keep switching between "i love writing" and "i hate this and im never writing again"

im scared my drawing hnd will not be the same after it gets out the cast. i so deeply want to draw more but with my left hand it takes so much more concentration and energy i just get tired. i want to create but everything sucks hah. a couple of days ago i started on a zine bc i yhought cutting paper should be easy with a cutterknife, and idk whart i did wtrong but my left arm esp muy shoulder started to hurt v bad. :/ two more weeks in a cast.
help im about to cry i thought yeah i can do that and now my right hand hurts and im sad bc i cant do anything spontaneous i have to ask for help i canyt even tie my shoelaces i hate this. i wanted to cover a sketchbook i got in newspaper but the glue wont work and i used tape but idk i did too much with my right hand probably. i dont want to make it worse but jesus im someone who does nearly everything analog, planning drawing thinking writing and now all i can do comfortably is type and im tired of it

march 21, 2025 welcome to my scgool, where you can go hold hands and a big flag banner against racism and have your white 60 year old dutch teacher say the n word on the same fucking day :/

march 20, 2025 my french teacher asked 2 people from my class wether or not they use ai for school and concluded that my whole class uses ai for school -_-
my whole class did admit to not seeing any issues with it. but then they do worry about going to study art or design bc they dont want to have ai stealing their jobs. the hypocrisy ...

march 18, 2025 autism assesment questions are so weird. i know its been said a lot but lmao how am i supposed to know wether or not my facial expressions match what im sayn?? "in stressful moments i show rigid or non flexible behaviours that seem odd" idk???????? ask the people around me i dont know what i do T-T and define "social situations" like are these people that i know people that i hate like clarify pls

march 17, 2025 i learned about a very cool local magazine that made an open call and im so tempted to send my portfolio (that im still putting together) but i also know that if i have one (1) more thing on my mind i will Explode. sad. i might order their last magazine though it was circus themed and the cover looks very very fun. (link for people that are interested)
i planned to study for french today and i didnt. im very tired.

march 13, 2025 im very very tired. went to the hospital today & got a new cast. its a lot lighter than the previous one. all my friends are gonna go out partying tonight. 100 days and school ends! wauw.

march 11, 2025 project presentation went well, had the rest of the day off. i spent the time following my friend's classes and it was fun to spend time like that with them. i didnt want to go to maths yho so i went to a tearoom and ordered apple pie but they were out so then i had chocolate cake. i actually dont like most chocolate cakes but i enjoyed my time there. then i layed down in bed for a whilr bc im tired and my backhutrts. but i had plannrfd to go to the library today and though i first didnt reaally want to, i went and i enjoyed myself. i borrowed 1984. i actually started the book in september but didnt get through bc of schoolwork. so i want to start again. i felt a bit sad so i went to the kids section and read a few books there (quentin blake, kitty crowther and oliver jeffers)

march 10, 2025 im starting to get very sad about my hand. i hope i can have a new cast with more mobility soon. i wrote down my notes for tomorrows project presentation on paper with my left hand because im getting a bit tired from typing. though full journal entries wil be difficult so ill type those. i can paint more or less with my left hand so im glad about that.

march 8, 2025 im a bit scared for next week. i cannot fit into my binder with my cast, and i havent gone to school without a binder in like over a year. so yeah will be interesting. and i was so happy with my new watch and now i cant even put it on TvT its fine.
i changed the font here to 100% free fonts bc yeahh. i like the typewriter font.

march 6, 2025 the doctor said if its not better by tomorrow i should go to the hospital. fun fact in my nearly 18 years of life i have never fractured or broken anything lmao so this is a first. i can type a bit with my right hand, not like i usually would but i can manage. it still hurts though, this morning my dad helped put on a support bandage(?) and auch. its still a bit swollen and some places have more clear bruises now. the doctor had to laugh when i told him how it happened which is understandable lmao. i'm going to a play today from an actor me and my mom really like and when we were buying tickets we realised it is a 6+ show. were still going hah i think its going to be very fun, i like his acting style and i think the story is lovely. today ive been slowly typing some homework and i'll try to draw a bit bc i need to have a project finished by next week and i'm nowhere near finished.
also i read somewhere that personal use fonts are not allowed on sites... oops. i really love this font though, maybe i can find asimilar one or make one of my own.
ALSO i deleted instagram. ill have to reinstall it next week tho but im glad i did it now. i also bought a watch, finally! i can leave my phone somewhere else better now bc i dont need it to know the time. yippee

march 5, 2025 guess who accidentally hit his hand against the wall and now mightve fractured his hand ... peak clumsy behavior. this was yesterday and my parents thought it would be better today but its not lmao. it hurts to move it even slightly and its a bit swollen. im going to the doctor in a few hours. typing is hard with one hand. all of february i was like "im not gonna work on my prject, ill do it in the vacation" and now i cant work on it either bc of course its my drawing hand that hurts TvT
we went to an animal sanctuary for my brothers birthday and it was super fun. weve been going there for over 10 years and everytime it feels a bit like coming home. and every time is different because they get new animals or animals leave to another place. it was probably the fennec foxes bc theyre very old. theyve been there since before we started going and uually they get around 10 years of age. and we saw the bear cubs for the last time as well, because they will go to a new place soon. they were playing in the water, it was lovely to see.

march 3, 2025 i have an intake appointment tomorrow at a testing center for autism. im a bit nervous. i guess im scared that its not autism and itll all just be a waste of money. bc god that shits expensive. my brother was diagnosed at the same center but bc im older than him i get a different person. though the tests might be similar. i went for a walk today and it was nice. im glad the sun is out again.
one of our chickens is acting weird. my mom is probably gonna order medicine of what she thinks it is, but i hope she asks a vet instead bc what do you mean youre just gonna order something that Might Help. i just hope she doesnt infect the other chickens.


february 27, 2025 genuinely genuinely pissed off right now. three of my friends who COULD give me their history notes of the class i missed either a) don't have notes or b) don't want to give them. im even more pissed off at my teacher. i let him know beforehand that id miss the class because of rehearsal and he mailed back saying "how nice of you to let me know!" and then i mail him asking what they saw that class and he just gave me bullet points. i ran into him after the show and asked him more info and he said i could manage perfectly fine without my notes and just use the powerpoint. i have the test tomorrow. "oh oliver you shouldve started sooner" i had other shit to do. i just looked at the parts i missed and i dont understand SHIT. how the fuck am i supposed to understand a slide that says "Détente of the 70's / coincidence? / consequenses: treaty of this, accord of that, talk of this / end: invasion of afghanistan" LIKE SIR. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. he even said we will skip the invasion of afghanistan and all the other proxy wars so wtf. i just messaged another friend to ask for her notes but she hasnt seen it yet and she better see it cause im about to loose my mind. i have a few other friends but they see a lot more than i need to (bc they have an hour more) and i don't want to learn stuff for a test if i dont need to know them. someone who works at my dorm told me i should use chatgpt and almost got offended when i said no. im this close to crying guys ahahh. dinner better be good.

update: had a good old cry session while calling my mom. calmed down. a friend FINALLY sent me her summary. im hungry bc i was too stressed to eat dinner. and now i regret it so i might go out for some food in my pjamas. though i think i have some waffles lying around here somewhere

february 24, 2025 my friend was happy with her birthday card. yesterday i went to take pictures for my photography class and asked my grandparents to model. they didn't misgender me as much as usual (once or twice compared to each time they open their mouth) so thats a huge accomplishment. it gets better and worse yknow, and i do want to spend time with them as i notice it helps them adjust (even though ive been out for two whole years) but when they "accidentally" deadname me or call me a girl then i don't really feel like it lmao. but the photos turned out rlly nice and im glad. i progressed a lot with my project in my animation class today.
a moment of appreciation for bread. i don't know what the bread is called in english but my baker calls it abdijbrood and its so soft and i love it. love love love bread.
neocities comment by mism4tchedsocks that reads:"yall i was just drawing & minding my business, all of a sudden my teacher stands behind me with the new intern saying “yeah oliver struggles a lot with anatomy” like…. my guy you never taught us. my teacher just gives us paper, says draw that, and lets us go about our day. sometimes he corrects something and yeah my anatomy is not perfect but jesus" with three crying emojis at the end. (transcript: neocities comment by mism4tchedsocks that reads:"yall i was just drawing & minding my business, all of a sudden my teacher stands behind me with the new intern saying “yeah oliver struggles a lot with anatomy” like…. my guy you never taught us. my teacher just gives us paper, says draw that, and lets us go about our day. sometimes he corrects something and yeah my anatomy is not perfect but jesus" with three crying emojis at the end.)
then that happened aswell lmao. still a bit angry about it but yknow its fine. ill get better at my anatomy the more i draw. and if my anatomy is that bad then he should come tell me and correct me, it's his job after all.

february 22, 2025 i just realised i havent watched youtube all week. damn. im tired.

february 19, 2025 i had a presentation today and it went fine, though i think i talked too fast. my test yesterday went very well. yesterday i went to breakfast without my phone, which wasnt as strange as i thought it would be because a friend sat with me. then she left and i realised i had no idea what time it was bc i dont have a watch anymore and from where i was sitting i couldn't see the clock, but i was still very much on time. i brought it this morning though.
i have a rehearsal today and i'm not really looking forward to it. i don't like to bike that way, it's a dangerous road. also theres a bridge, i hope it wont open when we hget there. idk i don't like that place but i hope i'll be fine. i'll bring some stuff so i can work or study or sketch. i'll be with a friend, which is nice.

february 17, 2025 i got work done today. yay. my drawing teacher decided to give us homework for next week except he cannot explain well and i have no idea what to do. but thats an issue for this weekend! i also need to make photos this weekend but i think that'll be finee.
it was strange not to have pinterest or my little games on my little phone today hah but it went well. i nearly went without music but then it was very loud in the lunch room and i had to block it out. i read this morning and during lunch & im nearly at 3/4 of my book :> i want to start writing book reviews but i have no idea how to make a cohesive one. but then again, does it have to be cohesive? maybe i can just make little braindumps and eventually they will get cohesive. who knows. i'll see
i hate adobe animate with a passion and i think its mutual. for another project i am starting with procreate again (with a borrowed ipad from school woohoo) and i miss using it on my own ipad but i cannot fingerpaint for the life of me, i cannot find my pen charger (which was a very specific one) and i cant find affordable touchscreen pens or whatever its called that works for my generation. like five years ago i bought an apple pencil and then i found out that my ipad was incompatible with it :P i managed to do some exercises, finish my maths homework, practice for a school event on friday, and i played some card games with my friends :)

february 16, 2025 i actually decided not to do a journal ish page when i redid my site the last time but here we are again. i was scrolling through neocities and saw that wichitalk updated (havent been on here in a while so i was like woah i know that site. so i went and took a look and then i got ~inspired~ to make a journal page. i read their hell page and yeah. i miss when i used my nokia, but i constantly need my phone for school and yeah. also i videocall my mom twice a week bc i miss her when im at my dorm and i think id actually collapse if i didn't get to see her during the week anymore. in the weekends im home but my siblings demand quite some attention and i want her to have some free time as well. i really enjoy calling her, its our little moment :P
i want to try a similar experiment because especially now i'm in a very busy period, i feel even more stressed when i don't have my phone with me or something on to entertain me. and thats not very good. i hope i wont be needing my phone for school that much once i get to uni!! anyways. i started reading again (mythos by stephen fry, halfway through now) and i want to read at least two more books this year. i dont listen to music that much anymore except to block out noise and i miss conciously listening to music. i wish i had a radio, the one i had was "borrowed" by my sibling and i havent seen it since T-T. i don't know if it is because i am so busy or if its because ive been doomscrolling too much, but i feel less creative. all my creativity seems to be used for my school projects, and i rarely do it for fun. also bc my sketchbooks are looked at by my teachers, so i cant relax and sketch :/ i havent made a muse ariadne entry in ages. i sat down and tried last week but i couldnt get anything out. i have bought a new physical journal where i can be a bit creative in and get my thoughts out. in reality, i don't really have hobbies anymore, except for scrolling. i think i might be masking too much at school because im so fucking exhausted when i get back and i cant do anything then. i asked to sit in the library for an hour last week bc i was so overwhelmed, and i sat there and did homework instead of rest. my psychologist will be mad at me lmao.
so maybe i should delete some apps from my phone. i always carry my book with me to school, for inbetween hours. designate some time to sketching for fun. play guitar again. i have too much work this week to do a lot of creative stuff but i can start with the apps!
ill start with facebook and messenger bc i dont use those anyways. tumblr, my news app, pinterest and youtube too.
i will keep my headphones in my back, if only to block out the gossiping from my classmates together with my earplugs. i will also keep using my laptop, but try to not watch youtube and all that.
i hope i can keep making small steps towards not feeling like im gonna die when i have "nothing to do" hah. i'll try to update the site more often. i've missed doing the art history pages.