i had my jury yesterday. i guess it wasn't enough. or i wasn't enough. i know thats not a helpful thought, but i cant help thinking it. questions like "does illustrating (this past assignment) make you happy?" "i'm not saying this will be the case for you, but if we decided that itd be better for you to redo your year, would you do it?" and "are you sure this is the right path for you (meaning my choice to do illustration opposed to graphic design or printmaking)?" certainly don't help with my confidence.
and i would redo my year if i had to. i know thats not a bad thing, and many people who are now finishing their masters redid their first year (or i mean just the studio classes). i know it can help with loosening up and being more sure in your work. because thats truly my problem. im so dependent on my teachers' feedback. i cant make decisions for myself. all my good work is an accident. when i think i purposefully make good work, its actually not good because its not loose or free enough. its like i cant do anything right.
they liked my design work, at least. and my prints. they ask why it is that i can work so freely there and not in illustration. my desire to do well holds me back. and i enjoy the assignments that we had in design, and i like working on the design of this website and all that, but i don't see myself doing design as a job, i never did. and i cant stare at a computer screen for too long or i get nauseous. last semester i got super nauseous every wednesday because i had 8 hours of desing classes. sometimes even when it was only 4 hours. and i like printmaking, we learned lino and drypoint and monotype and silk screen and thats good for me. i think its interesting but i dont want to learn more techniques. im perfectly happy with what i know.
i want to illustrate. to convery feeling and tell stories and make people happy and sad and understood and understand. i guess i have to detach my work from myself or something? so i dont just feel happy when i get affirmations from my teachers i suppose. i dont know what to do.
now its just waiting until i get my results. im scared. my friends did well this year. im so proud of them. their work is really, really good. and theyre so nice. i dont want to start the year anew without them. ill still be able to see them i guess, but it wont be the same. i dont want to make friends all over again. i was so scared and alone in the beginning of this year and i dont want to do that again. fuck.
i worked really hard the past few weeks. im so tired. it wasnt enough.