change is life i guess
written on 27 and 28/8/202527/8
i've been very emotional lately, and while i keep saying i don't know why, i do know. it just feels like a stupid reason lol. things are changing!
and not even in a bad way. me and my sister successfully switched rooms & i love my new room, it just sucked to throw away things. i really needed my mom there to decide whether or not to keep stuff.
i seriously don't know why i'm so scared of losing things. a while ago my dad asked me if he could delete my old email adress (because it was in the family link thingy and still had my deadname) and FOR SOME REASON i said yeah sure, i don't use it anymore!
cue todays breakdown once i realised all my files from the google drive on that account are gone and i have no idea if there was anything that i wanted to keep on there.
tomorrow we're also gonna change the downstairs. i'd say living room, but there are no doors between our living room, eating spot, play/study room ish thing and kitchen, so it's downstairs. and i'm exited, my parents have some fun ideas, but it's another change. i'm allowed to help a bit, which might help regulate my response to it lol.
in about two weeks i start my bachelors degree in graphic design and illustration. woo exiting i made it through the entrance exam yippee! but it's another change.
i did go to boarding school for three years (fyi in my country you go home during the weekend, so it was pretty chill) so i have some of the responsibility of cleaning, studying without someone telling me to, etc etc. but i have never cooked before aside from potatoes and eggs. and now im going to a dorm room???? with a shared kitchen??? where everyone can see my fails?????
it was my plan to learn to cook this summer but i completely forgot and time really flew by. i am gonna get food from home every weekend though, and there are student restaurants where i can get a discount nearby, and i'm not gonna say no to takeout every now and then. i mean you gotta support local businesses and your stomach. :P
and then i'm not even talking about loneliness. i'm scared man. i have anxiety and dysphoria and i've never once initiated a friendship. i'm planning to join a tea-themed student club and a queer gym though so hopefully i meet people there. and at school, of course, but it sucks being trans and constantly having to explain that. but it's an art school, so there will probably be some other queer kids.
and then, the most exciting change of them all: i'm 18 in a few weeks, which means i can start my transition without a gender team (i swear i've been on the waitlist for nearly 3 years and when i called they said it'd most likely be another year. like what)!!!! i have a consultation for my top surgery soon, the endocrinologist still has to reply to my email (pls justine answer). top surgery might have to wait a bit, as i would be missing at least two weeks of school & not all teachers offer online classes & i do not want to fail guys. i do hope i can start t soon, and i know that will be a whole lot of changes over a long long period, but my voice is the main reason people misgender me and i'm so done with it all.
28/8
alright i had dinner and then i forgot i was still writing. oopsies.
today i helped a bit moving stuff around downstairs. we got rid of a telescope i got for christmas when i was little, that barely worked and of which one of the glasses inside broke pretty soon after i got it. i forgot we still had it, and now it's gone. idk why i'm kind of sad about it. maybe nostalgic is a better word. at least we didn't throw the dolls away.
today i'm also feeling quite anxious. i made the mistake (again) of drinking coffee this afternoon. i dont like the taste of decaf. i think the real villain is my brain though.
i also made the mistake of watching back to school videos. oops. i barely know anything about how my uni works, how the classes will be, i don't even know my schedule yet. and all those videos are american and im pretty sure the systems there and here are very different.
i'm glad i'll be working the next two weeks, i'll be less in my head.
anyways, most of this post was negative ish so here are some more positives:
i got the task of looking through our old magazines and decide which ones we'll keep, which was very fun. i cut a lot of pictures out and threw the rest out.
for about half a year now i've been keeping an inspiration book (which could be called a commonplace book or junk journal) in a flying tiger sketchbook. i got it as a gift, but i dislike the texture of the sketchbook (esp with watercolors) and felt bad about not using it, so now i stick in cutouts and flyers and old sketches and anything that inspires me. highly recommend! its fun to look back at when you don't have inspiration.
two weeks ago, we got a new neighbour in our street. usually this isn't that big of a deal, people come and go and we never really get to know them because we're not a very social family lol, but this lady has a CAT!!! a cat that loves coming into our garden (thanks mom for planting catnip) and who's very friendly. my dog does NOT like her but that's fine. even my mom likes the cat. she did sneak inside once so we'll need to keep an eye out, but she's fine with being held so we can get her back outside easily. they were away for vacation last week and now they're back! very happy :D
last week a friend came over, this weekend i'm seeing some more friends, and tomorrow its family day! look at me being social and stuff.
tldr: lots of changes & i don't know how to process it, but i'll be fine. journalling helps for certain lol