child. girl? i guess. as a kid i wore dresses because idk my mom chose my clothes for me.
also straight? another thing i didn't really think about. i was told you married people you enjoyed being around so i asked some kids in my class if they wanted to date me once and they were all like "no???". friends. 5 year old me wanted friends. lmao.
chaos. 11 year old me has a dream where he held hands with a GIRL. cue me going on to children/youth support sites and asking people there if that meant im gay. confusion goes on until the lockdown.
also still girl? the older i got, the more i disliked dresses and skirts. or at least the way i felt in them; i remember liking how they looked and felt, but not the way i looked and felt in them.
lockdown! schoolwork? nope, one direction AND harry potter phase. amazing. 12 year old me went crazy in harry potter roleplay instagram. introduction to gender diverse people!!! woo. start identifying as a lesbian.
around june 2020 i started getting into starkid musicals, start another instagram fanaccount, am introduced to more genderdiverse people (this was truly an Era. favourite of all my Eras probably).
i learn that pronouns do not equal gender, get to know neopronouns, and start trying out she/they pronouns. after a while, i go full on they/them and change my name to alex. basic? yeah. but i felt amazing.
the only people that know this are my online friends, one irl friend that called my by my new name once and then completely forgot i came out to her at all, and my super sweet religious education teacher.
in the summer i go to a theater camp, where i meet queer people who i'm still friends with today. first time meeting non-cis people! awesome. i used my chosen name (& any pronouns) for a week and it was wonderful.
keep on experimenting with pronouns and names. loved coining xenogenders. was having fun with my gender and i felt pretty good. about my gender i mean, my mental health was at a very low point here. i came out to another friend who DID remember and called me by my chosen name whenever she could (aka when noone else was around lol)
i come out as bisexual to my parents bc of some things that happened at school and i was scared of being outed. did i identify as bisexual? not really, but i figured that would be a word my parents understood. a way of telling them "expect anything". they were not surprised pff & reacted well.
in the summer i go to the theater camp again. by this time i've come out to my aunt and my cousin (who also went to the camp) and started going by oliver. meeting more non-cis people. amazing amazing. i planned to come out to my parents before the new year.
i switch schools to an art school to do drama. i immediately introduce myself as oliver. in the beginning i identified as genderfluid, but soon realize im a trans boy. at that school i saw a version of masculinity i hadn't seen before (or at least not often with kids my age). it feels right.
remember when i planned to come out to my parents before the new year? 30 december, 2022. my aunt and cousin come over to help me tell my parents. i cry. my mom cries. my aunt and cousin cry. overall it went well, but it was very emotional. my mom needs some time to process, which i understand. my dad immediately lets my school know (bc teachers were not allowed to call me oliver without parents consent; most didn't care, but still) and puts me on the waitlist of a gender clinic. they tell us the waiting time is a year.
after a month we tell my siblings and other family members. most go well, often lots of crying. my catholic grandfather tells me its not fair that i got to chose my name and he didn't. grandpa humor. i love that guy. i tell my friends from my old school. most react well, one of my closest friends ghosts me and later texts me good luck for my exams. i never contact her again. ch ch ch ch changes
i audition for a musical. they cast me as a basketballer in high school musical, and i was truly treated as one of the guys.
i dated a person for like 5 months, bc i thought i liked them like that but idk i think i just needed a friend i could be myself with. i start identifying as aroace.
also switch psychologists to someone who's more experienced with trans clients. the first 3 sessions she asks me the same question: "why do you feel like a boy?"
and each time i replied, "because i do."
theres an intern in my drama class. this is the first time i meet a trans adult. i was at a very low point again mentally, and meeting her felt like suddenly seeing a future. i realized, i'm going to live. i called my mom and cried
i switch from drama to applied arts, because my drama and dance classes are causing me immense dysphoria. i started wearing black nailpolish and kohl pencil, but stopped after a while. i stop going to pe classes because of dysphoria as well.
remember that waitlist? still on it. another year probably, they say. the clinic did organise some free workshops, which was nice, but like. i want hormones guys
i audition for a musical again and am cast as tsar nicolas in anastasia. super fun again woo.
i break my hand and cant get in my binder for a month. panic
my sister & mom ask me "hey what ARE you"
"idk dude expect anything. but mostly nothing"
when someone asks me who i'm into i just tell them i do not have time for that. which is true i do NOT have time for that. i'm busy with my graduation project man.
hey guys remember that waitlist? yeah. still on it. "this summer most likely probably hopefully!"
i do get a referral letter from my psychologist. i'm nearly 18, so i can go to an endocrinologist or surgeon outside of the gender clinic.
as a summer job i clean in a hospital. i get loads of compliments on how i clean so good for a guy. lmao thanks i guess.
in august i contact a surgeon and endocrinologist. i get an appointment with the surgeon in september, and set a date for the surgery in february, bc i know in the first semester there wouldve been enough changes as it was. i get an appointment with the endocrinologist in november, and thanks to my psychologists referral letter, she immediately gives me a prescription. a week later i get my first shot :D
top surgery also went well. i can now like. walk around in a shirt at school. and thats fine. i look in the mirror a lot to try to get my brain to understand that theyre really gone and i don't have to panic. i try to wear things that made me dysphoric before, yknow. as enrichment.
my gender marker is changed on my passport, so now i have a passport that truly reflects me & who i am (& has a good picture if i say so myself).
i call myself queer. i like the word. im questioning my aroaspec identity again, so if i have to specify i just say i'm aroaspec. idk. am i attracted to masc people or do i just like how they look? no one knows. it doesnt matter all that much anyways, i do not have time for this pff
i try to be more present in my local queer scene. i meet an adult trans man for the first time. i see a transmasc with grey hair. life is good. it gets so much better guys.