call the midwife s3
extraordinary s1
audiobook of a study in scarlet
summer sidequests
go to at least one queer event
ask my local library if i can volunteer
go somewhere i wouldn't normally go by myself, by myself
buy a digital camera and pick up photography as a hobby
eat a mango
swim!!
draw fanart
go on a walk with my dogi haven't gone on one with him alone in such a long time. after breaking my hand last year i wasnt strong enough to do it, since he pulls often. i think i could do it now though? unsure. maybe go with my mom first so we can switch if needed. he does listen better when my dad is present though. idk i just want to be able to do this.
town map projectwe moved to the place we live now when i was 12. now, almost 7 years later, were finally starting to get to know some people in our street. my parents sometimes tell me i should go out and talk to people more, but theyre just as bad as me. we still barely know this "new" town. so, project: walk or cycle around in town, draw buildings and people and all that. learn to find my way around town. maybe also with my hometown because since transitioning i dont feel as at home there as i used to.
actual to do
study for my art history retake
make art
find a job & once found, work
meet up with friends
learn theory for my driving exam
figure out how to plan that exam?
help my gran: stack firewood, clean kitchen cupboards, wash fancy dishes & take her curtains off so she can wash them
learn to cook more varied-lyliterally not that much i just wanna be able to cook carrots and peas without being scared ill burn them. maybe chicken or sausages as well.
meet up for pita with my cousin!!!! weve been saying wed do this since april
meet up with more friends
my plan for june 15
portrait exercises
story to work on for the next week/two weeks: the fisherman and his wife. sketches and visual worldbuilding.
maybe go to my dorm to pick up my materials
diary entry
ok i didn't do the portrait exercises but i do have like a first storyboard for the story! which is nice and cool and awesome. visiting a friend tomorrow who i havent seen since september, and we might draw a bit together so very excited for that!
not going back to my dorm til this weekend. ive been working on lined note paper with charcoal since thats the only things i currently have at home.
also started playing minecraft again :D
my plan for june 16
portrait exercises
visit a friend :D
diary entry
drew like 1 portrait and some trees and my friend. walked for like 10 kilometers and got sunburnt yay. but it was so fun seeing my friend again. happy day.
my plan for june 17
environment exercises
library visit: composition studies
spend time with my family
diary entry
my dad told me yesterday "oh btw i told your gran youd help out tomorrow" so yeah i helped out stocking her firewood in the shed. so sweaty
anyways i put my sketches in indesign and im editing the text i copied from fairytalez dot com or something bc its too much text and i dont like it. hope ill be able to actually draw some more tomorrow. i promised both my grandparents id help them with chores this summer but the next few days will be way too hot.
my plan for june 18
work out some of the storyboard spreads
small walk in the morning
queer drawing event!
ice cream
call a place i applied to for work but havent heard back from.... scary
diary entry
not a very good day. very tired and it was much warmer than i expected. but i did go to the drawing event (thanks to some motivation from my dad) and while we were with only 4 people (two of which were volunteers) it was very fun! and maybe it was better for my anxiety that it wasnt a big group lol.
trying very hard to be kind to myself. ive been so tired the past few days, which probably is normal considering the heat and the amount of sleep ive had the past few weeks. also been experiencing quite some bottom dysphoria and finally bought a foam packer and pouch! hope it helps with dysphoria and fear of going outside at least a little bit.
my plan for june 19
object exercises
work out some of the storyboard spreads
visit my high schools graduation exhibition
ice cream
diary entry
again being kind to myself. its not a drama if i dont do the exercises. its too warm to do anything ughhh. i hate hot weather. though #booblesssummer so its more bearable than last summer! yippee. also had icecream. great success
graduation exhibition was very cool :P
my plan for june 20
work out some more of the storyboard spreads
ice craem
pick an article from our weekend magazine and make an illustration for it
diary entry
didnt do any of that but hey i did get a haircut, helped my mom, planned a day trip, applied for another job. oh and bought one of those cavaillon melons. and lots of fun fizzy drinks i want to try with my family.
mango rantcouldve bought a mango but i was more craving a melon ngl. technically i have eaten mango in like a salad thingie i bought with a friend on tuesday but im not gonna count that. i need to eat an actual mango.
i know i havent been keeping to my plans a lot this week but ive done lots of other things and im still proud of myself. i do need to draw more though. and probably should make another appointment with my therapist. oh and go to the library.
my plan for june 21
week reflection & planning for next week
another small exhibition
go back to my dorm
diary entry
ive really been neglecting this ugh. but no being kind to myself! its also so warm i dont have the energy to do much. i did sit in the pool for a while which was fun. also sat on the train for a bit and helped a mom to get her kids safely off the train and the kids asked me if i had kids, if i was 100 years old, and if i could give them a high five. made my entire day tbh.
my plan for june 22
go out with my friends
take home my art supplies
diary entry
was originally planning to stay at my dorm for the majority of this week but alas, heatwave. im gonna be more comfortable at home i think & spend most of this week in the pool.
going out with my friends was really fun and i bought some cds! might make a physical media page bc ive been buying cds and dvds more often. today i bought three cheers for sweet revenge & the black parade by my chemical romance, hozier from hozier and four by one direction. i think i used to find excuses for still listening to one direction bc i was kind of embarrased but hey. idc. my 12 year old self wouldve gone crazy. and the nostalgia makes me so happy. playing all the cds on my shitty radio that stops every few seconds while sitting on my desk with the window open. feeling like a cool and annoying older brother from in the movies or something hell yeah
my plan for june 23
work on the story!! draw draw draw
eat half a cavaillon melon
and ice cream probably
diary entry
didnt do all that much tbh. did pick up my ukelele again for like 15 minutes which isnt a lot but hey i did something yippee.
packer & pouch arrived but havent tried it out yet,, the packer doesnt fit very well into the pouch sigh and also idk how to position it. ill figure it out once the heatwave is over
my plan for june 24
day trip with my mom!!!
diary entry
had a fun day!! museum was awesome, not too big and very chill (as in temperature) inside :D
my plan for june 25
work on the story some more
rest
diary entry
drew a bit, not for the story. watched the lego batman movie with my brother.
thinking of my jury again.
getting my results on saturday. scared. im kind of wondering if i shouldve done design instead of illustration. i like designing, my teachers like my work, i am proud of the things i made there. i like to think im good at it. the assignments were fun most of the time, though some i thought were boring. idk. i dont know if id like to study it. i know i get nauseous when i work on my pc for too long, and design involves mostly working on the pc. so it wouldnt be great. also the other students are mostly rich white right wingers, even the queer people. i wouldnt feel very safe or at ease i think. and i like illustration. i thought i was good at it, but now i dont think so. i was good at it in high school, but there it was more commercial i think. maybe this school is not for me, maybe i shouldve gone to a different one. maybe im just not good at it yet. i like telling stories. i like drawing. i like picturebooks and editorial illustrations and i want to make things like that. i havent made a lot of things im proud of, because when im proud of something my teachers dont like it and im not proud of it anymore. im not good at doing my own thing or taking feedback and making it my own, i take the feedback too literally. my head is too full right now i cannot think.
my plan for june 26
text a friend and pin down a date for this summer!!!
more working on the story
diary entry
dont even remember if i did anything noteworthy this day. hope the heatwave ends soon. i played minecraft. wore a tank top (gender euphoria woohoo). ate dinner outside bc it cooled off more than the past evenings!! very fun
my plan for june 27
getting my exam results (scary)
maybe cry maybe smile who fucking knows
library
go back to my dorm
diary entry
i just need to find a way to get motivated every single day. and not get sad or disappointed or self concious.
exam results
im redoing my art history exam in august, which is fine and will be ok, i know; and i have to completely retake my studio class next year. idk how the study point/credit system works in other countries, but thats 30 of my 60 study points. and its okay i know itll help me play more and learn more and maybe i just need more time. ive always needed more time to adapt and process. thats fine its fine. im scared ill lose my friends. which is stupid i know if i keep making an effort im sure ill still be friends with them and ill maybe even make new ones. maybe ill make new choices. maybe i wont do illustration next year, maybe ill do design or printmaking. im not exactly panicking because after my jury i did kinda see it coming but fuck. going on feedback on monday. tomorrow im going to the graduation exhibition at my campus.
my plan for june 28
my schools graduation expo
diary entry
went to the expo AND went grocery shopping. proud of myself of making it out of bed today woo. ate cookies for dinner #yippee
my plan for june 29
art history exam feedback
studio (illustration, design & printmaking) feedback
go to art shop for: ink, doezelaar (? idk english), paper
diary entry
feedbacks went well overall. illustration teachers said they see potential but im too scared to use it. lmao i love getting psychologically analysed at school!!!!!!! no but i actually think an extra year will be good for me. it sucks, i wish i didnt have to do it, but im excited to do more and make more and push myself more. i also went to the like, student counsuellor and talked to her. im still sad about this sometimes but i think i accepted it.
was gonna go to the art shop tomorrow but i had some free time after my first feedback so i bought ink, the doezelaar ( ithink its smudger?), a sketchbook, chalk paper and bister. ive never tried those last two before and im very curious!!
saw my friends. made some loose plans to go to some art festivals next year and go to the sea this summer. i love my friends.
my plan for june 30
clean up my dorm for the summer
go outside
test bister out!
make bag
diary entry
i kind of cleaned? a tiny little bit? its better than nothing but i dont think ill check it off my list yet. i did go outside though. just for a little bit, the fire alarm went off (again) lol. but hey i was outside for 10 minutes or so. proud of myself.
my plan for july 1
finish cleaning up my dorm and take things home
checkup with my surgeon
diary entry
i cleaned, i did the dishes, i organised, i made my bag, i was very productive this morning. checkup went pretty well, got some cortisol (? idk what it was actually but it started with cor- i think) shots in my scars and went home. helped my mom around the house a bit. nearly got bit in my toes by our chickens. i should probably wear closed shoes when i go feed them but its too warm!! and its only the two young chickens that are real bitchy. if i clap my hands they run away tho so if i act fast ill be fine.
my plan for july 2
draw
make bags for vacation
clear up phone storage (sigh again)
play minecraft maybe woohoo
diary entry
im still so fucking shit at minecraft lmaoo. i cant fight or make pretty builds and im too scared of the mobs to go properly mining but im getting better and im having fun!!
finally tested the bister and im in love with it
my plan for july 3
finish making big bag
finish making small bag
diary entry
no plans for july 4!
diary entry
travelling without computer :P ill be back soon!
media im taking with me
books
maurice
de meisje - jaouad alloul
pardalita
persepolis 1
raven boys
verzwegen verlangen
trans, et alors?
driving theory book
video format (downloaded for the car trip)
enola holmes 3
httyd 2 & 3
emma.
het gezin van paemel
moulin rouge!
a minecraft movie (mostly for my siblings but i havent seen it yet either)
annie (1982) (also for my siblings and also for me, i havent seen this version in like 10 years)
my plan for july 12
try not to melt
barbecue
diary entry
hello hello. back again. still so very warm. next week will be all about studying for my art history retake and drawing and again, trying not to melt.
oh also i found a job!! fucking finally!!! and maybe im getting another job!!!! suddenly everyone is answering my emails
tl;dr:
i swam
i ate a mango
i read two graphic novels and two nonfiction books
currently reading my driving theory book
i played football (and won) (my opponent was 8 years old but shh)
about the trip
the trip was very fun. it was at a little house weve been to before, in an area in france where there isnt that much to do and everthing that there is to do, we did a few years back. but that didnt matter, it was too warm to do anything anyways. it had a shared pool, and I SWAM!!! THREE TIMES!!! each time early in the morning or late in the evening so there wasnt too much sun on my scars (yes yes i did it shirtless, which felt awesome but also weird in a "im naked" way), with my mom so i didnt get too anxious, and i fucking did it. im so proud of myself. it was so so so fun.
i read a bunch!! started raven boys and gave up by chapter two, it was very cliche and "ooh she hates him but shes gonna love him by the end" and not my thing! then i read "verzwegen verlangen", a book about gay and lesbian history in belgium. suuuper interesting, since i barely know anything about it. usually all the queer history you see online is american and maybe british. i also read "trans, et alors?", which was a bunch of interviews with trans people in belgium, some famous, some not. it came out this year and my parents bought it immediately. its nice to read experiences. i wish some were more in depth but i understand that its very personal and intimate sometimes. my parents are gonna give the book to my grandparents to borrow, in the hopes theyll understand more. they still misgender me sometimes, though its gotten better since starting t.
then i also read persepolis 1 by marjane satrapi, which was really good. im waiting for the other 3 to become available in my library so i can read them all. and last but not least i read pardalita by joana estrela, another graphic novel. also really really good. love me some coming of age queer fiction.
about today
neighbourhood barbecue today! it was mostly elderly people. i was a bit anxious to go because uh oh what if i get misgendered etc etc. i keep forgetting that i pass pretty well now. and i still forget that my tits are gone. i just look like some guy now, albeit a young guy. someone thought i was 14 T-T. she did say i was very handsome though. lmao sometimes you just need a 80something woman to tell you you look good.
another benefit of passing: as a girl i usually was the person people asked to hold babies or play with the young kids. which was fine! i liked doing that, i still do, and i still get to do that with family friends and all that. but now a guy came to me to ask if i wanted to play football with his son. ME. i dont think i look like i play football, but in a town like mine, if youre a guy you play football. thats just the way it is. as a kid i enjoyed football at school but i wasnt often allowed to play (my year was very gender separated - the girls thought boys were icky and the boys thought girls were stupid). i dont think i was any good anyways, but i liked it! and now im still not any good but im older so the kids dont want to tell me im shit at it. fucking awesome. i won btw. nevermind that my opponent was 8 years old. I WON.
my plan for july 13
study first three chapters art history
the fisherman and his wife - in colour this time?
diary entry
very tired. nauseous. yesterday i sat together with my parents so i could write down whatever they had planned, but they failed to tell me that a great aunt was coming to visit AND that they were gonna do paint stuff all around the house. they helped me set up a plan to study my art history, and were like "you gotta make sure you follow it to the dot" but then bc they didnt tell me all of that i couldnt follow the plan!!!! so now im sitting at a little table in the garage in the hopes i could focus better than in my room (where the fumes are unbearable and my door cant close for the moment) but alas, the water pump (?) and the stairs cause enough noise. i was freaking out earlier and was scared i was gonna have a panic attack but i went on a walk with my brother and now im just tired. i want to go to bed, but again, the fumes. ill probably sleep on the couch tonight idk
on other news,,, our bunnies dug a hole and escaped and everytime we catch them they escape again. theyre enjoying their freedom i think, but i hope they dont get hurt. i also started a new coding project that ill probably abandon after two weeks but its fun to work on in the meantime. if i do abandon it i might put it up as like a template or something.
but yeah, needless to say i didnt study anything. thinking of going back to my dorm, but i still have to ask.
my plan for july 14
study chapters art history
take a nap
diary entry
didnt take a nap but had a wayyyy better day. yay. i drew! huzzah! tried out the colored pencils that i got for christmas and really liked it. the coding project is more or less finished, though at the moment it has about the same things as my portfolio i made for school. hoping to fill it with new stuff soon. idk for school we had to use a template and idk its okay but it doesnt leave much space for tinkering. and it was also more of an archive, so were not allowed to take things out of it.
my plan for july 15
study
take a nap
go on a walk
diary entry
my cousin and aunt came over!! very fun. i ate a strawberry and made a mess on my shirt and was able to just. take my shirt off and put it in the laundry. i know thats a tiny thing but it felt so euphoric. redid my tubmlr page. made a new collection. i'm not sure why yet but uhh yea
oh also i got an electric razor!!! shoutout to my cousin who didnt need it anymore or something. very good bc i was stressing out about shaving again bc i dont want to hurt myself because ive been getting more acne,, suffering from success (hrt <333)
willem vermandere
drew some more. listened to willem vermandere, because i know a few songs but i think i should know more. his songs are beautiful. makes me want to learn accordeon even more. one day i swear i will put in the time and go to a music school for 7 years or something just to learn it. i know willem vermandere sings in dutch, in a dialect, but idk i recommend listening to him. he has a very calming voice in my opinion, and his lyrics often seem to be about mundane things but are have political themes. and if you don't listen to his music, look at his visual art, his woodcuts and paintings and sculptures.
my plan for july 16
study
museum
diary entry
the museum was small but fun! big fan of roger raveel's work. did a liiittle bit of studying. went to a cafe with my parents because we wanted ice cream but after seeing the prices we just had sodas. "joa vroeher in oezn tied kosttehe da twinteh frank é. joa das n olvn euro." i've been making are.na boards and more lists and i don't want to dox myself but i also want to make work and pages about my area and dialect. the dialect is disappearing and while that's sad, change is always going to happen (in all aspects, but definitely in linguistic aspects!). might make a blogpost about this or something.
my plan for july 17
study
go help out my oma
diary entry
watched a movie with my sister. visited my oma to clean her lowest and highest kitchen cupboards.
my plan for july 18
study
study
study
haircut
diary entry
havent been doing a whole lot of studying recently. telling myself it's okay.
my plan for july 19
study
study
diary entry
didn't do anything noteworthy i think. i went on a short walk. ate lasagna. had ice cream. filled in a cryptogram puzzle with my mom.
"don't forget to draw, you only have one chance left to do your atelier" "don't forget your art history, it'd be best if you pass that exam now" "you're studying so much you deserve a break" "hey you just spent 10 days studying and you're not even half way through why are you taking a break" "you should go outside more, go to musea" "why do you only ever look at things you have to draw more" "you should meet up with friends, you're going to get lonely" "why are you making plans to visit friends and go to musea next year? you only have one more chance to pass your atelier"
my plan for july 20
study
diary entry
i think the cramps i've been having is from vaginal atrophy. sigh. sometimes they go away quickly, sometimes they wake me up at 2 in the morning and decide i won't be getting any more sleep. i thought it was my period trying to come through (which only happened twice in the 8 (!! time flies) months ive been on t already), but ive done more reading and it's probably atrophy. i thought atrophy was just vaginal dryness, but apparently it can also affect the bladder and uterus :/ my endocrinologist didnt tell me what to look out for and it seems that nobodies endocrinologists says anything about this. im seeing her in september. havent tried painkillers for the cramps yet because im honestly not too sure where my parents keep those. if they work ill report back
my plan for july 21
study
visit my aunt
diary entry
first time ive checked something since saturday. studying hasnt been going very well. went to my aunt for her birthday, "family gathering" but half my cousins forgot about it. it was kind of boring. talked about films with my fun cousin tho so that was nice.
my plan for july 22
study
work
diary entry
work was strangely fun? like until august ill be "in training" with these two (older) ladies and just like last year (im cleaning at the hospital again), older ladies love me. like im just being helpful and respectful and they fucking love me lmao. just doing my work. but hey if it means they give me snacks im ok with it i was HUNGRY. my legs hurt, ive rarely gotten more than 3000 steps in lately and now i almost hit 10 000!
that was probably all worded weird. idk im so tired. i was scared to go at first but im glad i went outside of my safe bubble again.
also kind of want to go to amsterdam because of the fiep westendorp exhibition at het rijksmuseum...... ill see once i get my paycheck
its always when i have no time and/or energy i want to do all these things. i want to get into writing poetry again. i want to write fanfiction about my blorbos being friends. i want to start photography and also i miss making shitty videos and montaging them. i want to explore my town and fill an entire sketchbook with drawings of it - the sketchbook is already made, it looks incredibly shitty but woagh i want to fill it up. i already scratched more things from my sidequests. i need to find more low-energy sidequests. oh i did plan to go to a concert with my dad in september, so thats exciting! havent been to a concert in. almost two years i think? and going to a book presentation thingy from an illustrator i really like with my aunt after my exam retake. anyways i think i am doing nice and fun things, i just forget about them once i feel tired or bored. i need to write more things down.
my plan for july 23
study chapter 16: art in the US 1945-1960
diary entry
i think i need to do a project about my dialect. i keep getting the urge to make a page about it, make a page about it, get concerned i'm going to give away my location because how specific my dialect is, delete the page. but like, guys. growing up we were told (both explicitly and implied) that our accent and dialect were unprofessional. i was able to understand most of it but wasn't able to even slightly speak it until i was... i dont even remember. i had the accent, not the words, because my parents didnt speak it to me growing up. now i can more or less speak it, but a lot of vocabulary is missing. all the elderly people i meet lament the fact that our dialect is disappearing, yet don't put in any effort to revive it or at least archive it in some way or another. and it's so beautiful. it's silly, of course, like all languages. but it's so beautiful. i wish i knew it better. it's not written down. it doesn't have a set grammar or even words, because travel 10km in a different direction and they say it a different way. "what do you mean you don't know what (word) means?" i'm sorry oma.
i want to write more poetry like i used to but i feel like i cant do it in english. proper dutch feels so polished. maybe poetry is the way ill get my dialect in my fingers. and hopefully my tongue, it always refuses to cooperate. maybe i should start writing songs, like i used to when i was 14. maybe ive just been listening to willem vermandere too much and been dreaming too much and and and. no but i genuinely think incorporating my dialect into my visual work could be a cool thing. i dont know how ill do it but. ill find a way.
i yapped for so long i barely talked about my day. ate melon, but idk it tastes kinda off so i hope it didnt go bad. art in the us: 1945-1960. kind of boring sometimes, lots of "untitled". did go over ellsworth kelly, really like his work. one of the pieces made me think of that childrens book about the elephant with the colors.
SHAPES!!!!! yaythis is the same picture (insert meme)
vent. maybe kind of spiralling. i dont know. slight alcohol mention
didnt actually do all that much in the end. feeling a bit disgusting and stupid and worthless, not gonna lie. its like i cant do anything right. i just got off the phone with one of my cousins, which i thought would make me feel better but now i just want to cry. i guess i dont feel worse so yay. its just, i dont have any friends in the area that isnt my family. and sometimes you dont want to see your family right. but when im at home, i only have my close family, my grandparents and then my cousins and aunt&uncle. and i love spending time with them but i cannot breathe sometimes. i need to get out of here. and the thing is!!!! i thought at my dorm id make more friends but even there i dont have any!! one of those moments where im debating to start drinking alcohol just to fit in more. thats how people make friends, right? my closest friends are either constantly working or in another country at the moment. two-three of those rarely answer their messages. i think i (insert word for uitstellen i forgor) making my therapy appointment for too long, and now the next one is two weeks away but ill have to videocall bc i cant just spend three hours away from home and i have to study and i dont have time for that. my cousin tells me i just have to spend 2 days completely away from studyign. not even thinking about it. i cant i cant i cant. i want my mom to come home from work so i can cry on her shoulder but i think shell be too tired to spend time on me.
okay nevermind that vent i went outside im normal again
kinda crazy my brain goes back to 2020 mode whenever i dont go outside but also goes panic mode whenever i have to/want to go outside
my plan for july 24
work
diary entry
hell yeah i Worked. oh i also read a bit! something something by agatha christie, i forget the name.
my plan for july 25
study chapter 12: art informel & cobra
diary entry
i studied???? woah. also i finished a sketchbook, i dont remember when but it was Somewhere this week. probably will make a page for it but i have to fix the first page first bc the image files are way too large for my liking
my plan for july 26
"babysit" on my siblings (aka give them food and tell them to go outside)
study chapter 13: constant's new babylon
study chapter 14: gutai & neo-concrete art
diary entry
love "babysitting" my 14 year old brother and 12 year old sister and have my mom write them a note to tell them what to do and then still have to tell them hey. eat. hey. shower. hey again, eat. now. hey. empty the dishwasher. hey. fill it up again. hey did you see the note. feed the fucking rabbits. /sarcastic
i understand forgetting things but idk. sucks that they always "forget" and then me or my parents have to do everything. like its not that hard to help around the house a little bit.
other than that, okay day. it rained a bit!!!! yay!!! bit nervous for an entire week of working.
my plan for july 27
work
study
diary entry
my plan for july 28
study
work
diary entry
my plan for july 29
study
work
diary entry
my plan for july 30
work
diary entry
my plan for july 31
work
diary entry
my plan for august 1
study chapter 17.1: past abstraction (pop art & minimal art)
diary entry
my plan for august 2
study chapter 17.3: the body freed (eccentric abstraction, pain & suffering, gender)
diary entry
my plan for august 3
study
work
diary entry
my plan for august 4
study
work
diary entry
my plan for august 5
work
diary entry
my plan for august 6
work
diary entry
my plan for august 7
study
work
diary entry
my plan for august 8
study chapter 20: 1989 and after
diary entry
my plan for august 9
study chapter 15: kinetic art and this is tomorrow
diary entry
my plan for august 10
study
work
diary entry
my plan for august 11
study chapter 18: the formless and the abject
diary entry
my plan for august 12
work
study
diary entry
my plan for august 13
work
diary entry
my plan for august 14
work
diary entry
my plan for august 15
study chapter 19: postmodernism and appropriation artists
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