i can't really translate the word "braaf" to english. according to google it can mean good/nice, well-behaved, goody-goody, obedient. my illustration teachers have been calling my work "braafjes" for the entirety of the year, which can mean predictable, typical, boring. i know they don't mean it in a bad way, and i know they genuinely want me to get better at this thing, but it is confusing sometimes. they want me to play more.
i ranted about this in my journal, and then i read some older notes back from when i asked what they meant (only dared to do so after 4 months of college. woopsies). i keep forgetting it! so this page, accompanied by a physical inspiration booklet im making, is a bit of a mnemonic device i guess.
i made an inspiration booklet, i want to keep adding prints and notes to it.
i plan to make one per big project next year, like its a big moodboard.
maybe i'm spiralling and exaggerating... idk.
they want me to play. to surprise myself with everything i make. how can i surprise myself with things that i make? whatever i make comes from my brain and i am quite familiar with my brain and whats in it. i make things i enjoy making, and its good, and im happy, and theyre happy, and im happy, and they tell me its a STARTING POINT. brother in christ i have 4 weeks left the fuck you mean a starting point. i dont know the end point! maybe thats what they mean by surprising myself, but it stresses me out. ive gone outside of my comfort zone in a drawing sense already this year, and its still not enough. my classmates are already printing their finished books. im not even halfway through. or well, not really, can't be halfway through if i DONT KNOW THE END POINT.
the end point is a neatly printed little book, but i'm not supposed to think of that. why do you do this its not in the text? nono don't read the text again its not supposed to be drawings by the text. im not supposed to do anything except play.
"i'll try," i said. and a teacher, who i look up to, who has illustrated lots of great books, replies: "and if trying doesn't work, drink a glass of wine." woah thanks for the advice dude. it was said in a jokey way but its still a weird thing to say + assuming i drink alcohol lmao
i need to journal more and i need to sketch more. i need more coping mechanisms than doomscrolling. but journalling usually doesnt make me feel better because yay now i have a book filled with all my most depressing thoughts. and sketching stresses me out because what do you mean i have to draw (the thing that stressed me out in the first place). i dont want to be alone with my thoughts and i dont want to go outside. so yeah. been doomscrolling, been on tumblr a lot, been on pinterest a lot. a wikipedia rabbit hole here and there. started reading a new fanfiction and reread my comfort fanfic. i'm derailing.
i need to let loose. let loose? for the past 12 years i've been convinced that being not-loose is better (which i KNOW its not, thats just what ive been taught) and suddenly im supposed to let go half my personality in the span of a year because itll make me a better illustrator. i wish i could do it. im so glad im able to study illustration, its truly a dream, but by god it wouldve been easier if i had done communication or translating or maths or anything even slightly objective. something where right and wrong are clear. maybe i shouldve become an engineer like my dad.
i also dont know how much of what my teachers tell me is subjective or objective. i dont have the experience they have to be able to tell when i can decide to NOT listen to their advice. idk. so far the best work ive made is the work ive made while crying from tiredness, so ig good illustrators dont sleep and drink wine.